A Little Lonely Love

Sooo, it's Christmas Eve and I'm alone again. I'm trying my hardest to tell myself that's okay, but it's not.

For the most part I hate holidays, but not because I'm a Scrooge...it's because I'm tired of being alone on them. I mean, sure, I have my family, and kiddies, let me tell you that's the most important thing in the whole bloody world...but there are different kinds of love, and I'm severely lacking in one type: romantic.

I have friends. I could spend my time with them, yes, but that's not the same as what I want, and I always feel like I'm intruding. I guess what I'm telling you is that I'm tired of settling for less than what I want, and what I want is to not be alone in everything I do anymore. The problem with that is I have a lot of trouble trusting people—with getting close to people. I've never had much reason to trust anyone, you see. I've grown up with a father who's never said "I love you" to myself, or to my mother, and—speaking of mothers—I have a mother who will tell you "I love you" as soon as she'll call you an asshole and replace "love" with "hate." Doesn't make for much of a reason to want to date, or trust anyone, now does it?


Whenever I try to trust somebody, I always end up hitting a certain wall that keeps me from going to deeper levels of intimacy, and we're not talking about sex here, people. Intimacy means other things as well—like "emotional" intimacy. Get your minds out of the gutters. Anyway, I clam up...I physically can't talk, and my fight or flight response kicks in. I blame this on my family atmosphere. It's something that I can get over if I work really hard, but it takes a lot of time, and a lot of patience on the part of the person trying to get over my hang up, but I try.


All I want is love. All I want is somebody to pull under the mistletoe with, and kiss in the first few seconds of the new year. Until I get that, no material possession will ever mean anything to me again.


With Much Love, and a Little Hope for the New Year,
A Little Lonely Wisdom


"Every little thing needs love, honey." ~My Mother

Karma and Common Sense

I'm not a perfect person—most certainly not, but I realized something today that I think is worth sharing with you all.


The reason I started this post out by saying I'm not perfect is because I'm about to tell you not to judge anyone.  Now, I'll admit that I'm kind of a judgmental person, but that has to do with the life I've lead, and the extremely low amount of patience I have for stupidity and assholes...anyway, I realized today that there's a simple concept in this world that very few people understand or even acknowledge at all. What is it, you ask?


The simple concept is this: "Don't judge others, and don't treat others like shit unless you yourself want to be judged and treated horribly." This concept is karma spelled out for you. Don't expect a good life unless you make the lives of others good as well.


This has been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom


"Even on the highest throne in the world, we are still sitting on our ass." ~Michel de Montaigne

Afraid of Changing? Don't Be.

 We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivate us to change. Remember, though, that the thing that causes you to live or change doesn't always have to be a bad thing. In fact, it never should be. If we were all perfect beings, we would be able to see ourselves truly, and know automatically when we should do things—without having to make mistakes, and before it is too late to repair the broken lives we have made.


Unfortunately, none of us is perfect, all of us have lives whose windows are slightly cracked, and we will all make mistakes that could have been avoided. Thus, we must learn from them, instead of living in them, or pretending that they don't exist.


Make good choices—move on before the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Also, remember that where you are now, is exactly where you wanted to be in the past. Think about it, it's true. Against all beliefs of fate, we do create our futures. If you sit there in your room playing games all day, or living in fake worlds that exist only in books, and you wonder why you're lonely when you venture into the real world, then you lack logic. No one made you play MMORPGs every night, and no one made you hide, and no one will ever be able to find you living in your little hole—no one you want in your life for very long, anyway.

You create your life, and you are the principal controller of your life. Of course everyone will effect you, and please never underestimate the power of another person's presence in your daily life. After all, a word can change the world if spoken at the right—or wrong—time, and sentences spoken endlessly, every day, will most certainly destroy you if they are the wrong ones. Moral of the story? Do what it takes to overcome your past, go out with your friends (I promise they miss you, and if you have none, they can't find you in your basement), and don't hold onto things that hurt you, no matter what they are.

Sometimes change does have to hurt...but you can make it hurt less often by being aware of your choices and actions.

This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom


"I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling." ~Frida Kahlo

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall, Tell Me Who I Forgot Was Fairest of All

So, I've decided that I'm going to start doing a little something different with this blog. I will keep telling you all about my life—my strifes, my wisdoms, my failures, and my happy days, and I will do so in detail, but in between those posts you will now most likely find short snippets of my wisdom. Paragraphs, sentences...things that are completely original, and from myself, or things that inspired me during the day, and for which I will give proper credit.

I may also go back and talk about a certain thing I've posted in detail if I feel so inclined. I hope you all like this little change. You'll definitely be seeing more posts from me!

Alright, on to the first little snippet~

***

If you've forgotten who you are, I recommend that you look at yourself squarely in a mirror. Inspect yourself—truly admire your own soul, your own face, your own body, and your own beautiful inner self love and strength. If you do this I promise that you will see that you have never lost yourself—you've always been there waiting to look back at yourself through your own eyes in a mirror.

Remember. You never abandon yourself—you only think you do.

Love,
A Little Lonely Wisdom

"With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt...because love is an amazing feeling." ~Britney Spears (Sometimes even the worst role models say something wise. Think about that.)

A Little Lonely Fun

I'm going to post this here for a bit of fun, since I need that these days. This is one of those internet "tags" where you're asked to answer a bunch of questions so people can learn more about you, and you can learn more about yourself. I found this on one of my favorite art websites in the journal of an artist. I hope you get some shits and giggles out of this, too. >insert smile here< Please feel free to do this tag yourself, if you like it.


1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I would be around 25 years old. I've always felt that age. It just seems like a good place to be in life—you're probably on your own, you probably know who you are, and you're probably independent. It sounds like good shit to me. I've also never felt "young" per se, but also never old. It's a good in between to me.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

How about "failing because you never tried"?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don't like and like so many things we don't do?

Because most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy. 

4. When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

I sure hope not. I talk a lot, but I can usually back up what I've said with what I've done.

5. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

I wish that everyone could find love, keep love, and appreciate love. Idealistic, I know, but I feel that this world doesn't run on coffee, and it doesn't run on money, it runs on the love we have for each other, and we are severely lacking in that right now.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Therapy. I'm going into psychiatry to help make people happier. Totally my reason. That, and writing.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I am doing what it takes to no longer have to settle. Sometimes you have to settle for what you're doing/have, to get where you want to be.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I wouldn't be so afraid to devote my life to finding the right person. It wouldn't feel like such a waste of time, then.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I used to control every second of it, but now I just try and let it flow. Controlling your life just isn't going to happen, but you can control how you deal with what course you're given, and you CAN change your course if you're on the wrong one.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

This is a toughie, but I'd rather do the right things, than do what people think is right.

11. You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

Hmmmm. I want to say I wouldn't do anything because I can tend to be shy, but I do know myself, and I don't put up with this kind of shit. I would tell them they're wrong and need to get they're facts straight before they start demeaning themselves by judging others.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

To thy own self and heart, be true.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

From death? Yeah.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes. My best friend is insane, but as we've grown together, I see her creative side. There are also several artists like Salvador Dali, Picasso, Monet...I thought they were insane, but I love them now.

15. What's something you know you do differently than most people?

I absolutely know I think differently, and I love differently. I love based on personality, and am not attracted to a person until they show me their inner beauty and prove it's there to stay. I have friends from every background, and every race, and love them all equally. I never thought to do otherwise.

16. How come the things that make you happy don't make everyone happy?

Because the things that make me happy are things I've fought for, and they don't understand the beauty in the simple things I love.

17. What's one thing you have not done that you really want to do?  What's holding you back?

Can I pwease have two? Haha. Travelling to a different country, and I've not done that because I'm afraid I don't know how to physically and emotionally protect myself yet. I need a little more time and experience before I'd trust myself to live alone in a different culture. And gotten a job. I'm afraid of the failure.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

The childhood I never wanted, or was ever given, until it was too late.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

I would move to Virginia if it were in the U.S. because I have extremely fond memories of that gorgeous state, and if I moved to a different country, it would be England to begin with because I'm fascinated with the culture.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No. Not since I figured out that it's basically a placebo button. Fun fact for you all: the close door button does absolutely freaking nothing. It's just there to make you feel like you're doing something while the door close timer ticks down.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I am a worried genius and it sucks. Ignorance is bliss, honey.

22. Why are you, you?

Because I suck at being anyone else. Haha, um, a more detailed answer is that I've been raised by some wonderful people.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

No one's perfect, and I'm not going to claim to be. I have, at times, been the best friend you will ever meet, but there are times I would punch myself if I did what I've done to others to myself. I do think the good outweighs the bad, now, though.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a friend who is right there. There isn't an excuse in the world for that shit.

25. What are you most grateful for?

I am grateful for my heart aches, and I am grateful for my family. I've had so many of the former, but little of the latter.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I would lose all of my old memories. I live too much in the past sometimes, anyway. New beginnings are always good things.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yes. I find that challenging the truth just makes you realize you should've believed it anyway.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Well, my silly ones, no. AKA, being covered in worms and/or snakes has never come true, but my real fear has come true. I have lost everything that I've loved several times over, but that's okay. You just love the next thing even more.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Well, I do remember the girl that really upset me five years ago, and no it doesn't matter, but she was a bitch, and I never want to see her again. I also remember being extremely upset over my parents beginning to really fight. Yes. That does matter, because it's just gotten worse.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

I will always tell you that it was sitting in my grandmother's lap, in her garage, and watching the rain pour down from the heavens while we waited for a rainbow to appear, and let me tell you, honey. There was almost always a rainbow. I love that woman, and I will till the day I die. I will give my children this memory, as well, and I will always love rain.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

When I was in love with my first boyfriend. I'm always more passionate when I'm in love with some one, and I'm always happier. I just love to be a part of someone, although I can live on my own.

32. If you haven't achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My sanity.

33. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Uhhhhhhh, no. I haven't been lucky like that, yet. I've been with someone, said nothing, and felt like my heart was ripped into a million pieces, though. I don't think that one counts.

34. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because the people therein don't believe what they preach, and the people who are against the religions who preach love don't want them to exist.

35. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

There is a little evil in everything good, and a little good in everything evil, but you can usually tell what the majority vote is within the thing/person.

36. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

No. A million dollars isn't enough money to quit a good paying job. I would quit a shit job while I found a better one, though.

37. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Work that I enjoy doing. I like to spend my time doing what I enjoy. Work you enjoy isn't really work, after all.

38. Do you feel like you've lived this day a hundred times before?

Today? Not really. It's the day before Thanksgiving, so it's more joyful than most. I listened to Christmas music and cooked. That doesn't happen often.

39. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

The last time I fell in love. I learned a lot, and I'm glad for it.

40. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

My best friends, my parents, and my grandmother. I would find a freaking way.

41. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Um...no. >laughing hysterically<

42. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

This should be "what's the difference between living and existing." The difference is not wasting your time when you know what you should be doing.

43. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When you realize you've calculated the risks more times than there are possible outcomes, and that we are actually horrible predictors of our own loves.

44. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because mistakes aren't usually happy, no matter what Bob Ross says.

45. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I would never be afraid to dress the way I want, speak the way I want, and do what I want.

46. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Yesterday when I first read this tag.

47. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love reading, I love writing, I love driving, I love smiling, laughing, and love itself. And yes, many of them do.  I am writing now, I read earlier, I drove a couple of hours ago, and I've been laughing at my movies. Still waiting to love, though.

48. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Yesterday...no. And I'll have a general idea bout all of them, but they won't be specific memories.

49. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I am, surprisingly, making my own decisions. Always have.

I liked that last question. Make your own decisions, loves.

This Has Been,

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Let's Talk.

So that last post was really dark. I could go and delete it...easily, but I won't. I swore to myself a long time ago in one of my diaries that the pages I ripped out and destroyed would be the last pages of my life that I ever let myself ignore. That, and I want you few people who will ever read this blog to see me in complete, and total, honesty.

You deserve that...because I don't really think I can give it to many people in my life anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to tell you that the post is going to go away...I think I made that clear in my last paragraph, but what I want to make crystal clear right now is that the problems that caused it are not going to go away any time soon. They are still here. I won't be killing myself—I highly doubt that. I do love myself on a deep inner level far too much for such things...but I do not, indeed, like myself at this given moment.

Everything is just going absolutely wrong. Well...it isn't like I haven't been asking for it, you know?

I've basically holed myself up in my room for the last year, trying to keep myself away from all of my past tragedies—and, while I've succeeded, I have made myself infinitely alone and scared of absolutely everything.


Let's make a list of the things that have happened in my life over the last year, this being a year from November to November.

• I had my first boyfriend, he was long distance, he dumped me...or I dumped him. Let's say we dumped each other.
• Said boyfriend harassed me for almost a year after our relationship ended. He told me about all the girls he was replacing me with, and the person he lost his virginity to. I changed my cell phone number—the cell phone number I'd had for six years.
• I made a couple of horrible friends that made me feel horrible about myself for awhile.
• Because of these horrible friends, and the people in my past, I have ignored all of my good friends, who just want to love me. I do regret this the most.
• My uncle died of lung cancer.
• My mother told me that all the people I thought were good, and loving, were actually cheating assholes who had no right to be looked up to, so I lost my role models.
• My grandmother went into the hospital—the one woman who has kept me sane through my hell hole of a childhood, and kept me from being selfish, and unlovable—and my mother consistently told me how she thought she was going to die. She is 94, and she will die soon, so this was unhelpful.
• My best friend got herself pregnant, by a guy she knew for two months before getting pregnant. She told me about seeing people murdered, and proceeded to tell me about how she was gang raped. Because of her lying tendencies, I don't know what to believe. I feel absolutely HORRIBLE for not believing her, but what the hell am I supposed to do?
• My parents have been having fights that all point to divorce at least once in each of the last months.
• I don't trust myself to date anymore because of how much of a horrible person I feel like. But, baby, I am so lonely. There's a reason why this blog is called "A Little Lonely Wisdom."

I don't feel very good at all, right now. Not about myself, not about my actions, and I don't have the ability to love anyone in my life at the moment. I suppose I do, but I'm not a fan of how I can't seem to hang out with a group of people...I always seem to run everyone away except for one person who I cling to like life itself. I hate myself for that. You can't even believe it.

I dunno. Thinking about it, does that make me a bad person, or does that make me loving and loyal? I can't really decide. I don't think I should hate myself for it, but I guess it's something I need to improve upon.

In light of the last couple of my posts being sad and uninspiring, I again want to remind you all that I'm not here for pity, and I'm not really here for advice. I'm just here to tell you about my mistakes, make myself feel better, and help you all learn a little bit about life, because I do have a lot to teach you.

I am, however, only human, and this has been a very bad year for me. What I tell you all about life, and my life in general, will not always be happy, but I will always be okay.

I'll choose another topic soon, probably one of the bullets I posted earlier, and write more on it, but, for now, I am done talking.

Goodnight.

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for someone you are not." ~Andre Gide

Lost

Have you ever hated yourself so much, and your own life, so much that you wanted to die and leave it all behind? Have you ever been so angry with yourself or another person that you want to destroy everything you've ever created for yourself?

I've felt that way today.

I was so absolutely angry that I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted not only to leave this world, but to destroy everything that was ever mine so that nobody would ever remember I was here.

All of my artwork...I wanted to burn it. To rip it apart and burn it. My knitted scarves...I wanted to pull them apart by their tails. My mirrors—I wanted to smash them all.


I can't stand my face. I can't stand myself. I can't stand my family anymore.


There's not anything left in this world that I want. There's absolutely nothing.


I don't believe in myself.


I don't believe in hope.


I don't believe in love.


I don't believe in my ability to love anyone.


I don't believe in life.


It all feels like a hopeless crock to me.


I don't believe in you, or anybody else anymore.


Just leave me alone now.


Just leave me alone.


I am lost.


Absolutely lost.

I'm Finally Seeing Myself! Yay! Finally!!!

This will be a shorter post than normal...but I just had to say something. Something to remind myself of what I have now seen and realized....I haven't been seeing myself.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEEING MYSELF!

I looked in the mirror and I saw myself today! All this time I've spent so lost in myself...in the depths of my own despair...and I haven't been seeing myself! How many years have I been like this? Why haven't my friends been saying anything? Have my friends never seen me either, and thus don't know that they should be saying something? I'm so excited about everything now! I found myself again! And all I had to do was look in a bloody mirror!

Indeed...it was a bit of a paradoxical situation...but I saw myself...I saw myself seeing myself! I saw what other people see and I realized that all I've been telling myself is a lie! I'm sorry to myself. I really am!

Why did it take me so long to see this? To see myself the way the world sees me, and should see me, and how I really should be?

Why? I can't believe I lost myself that long!

I've finally seen myself! :D Yes. I am now finally happy!

In myself, anyway. Which is what I've always been missing to do everything else! Now! Now the adventure begins, my beautiful, pretty, wonderful, amazing, people!

See yourself! It's the best thing I ever did!

Easier said than done, I know! But just try!

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes. It is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, "well, if I'd known better I'd have done better," that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, "I'm sorry." If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. you can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black, or too white, or too poor, or too fat, or too thin, or too sexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that, we never grow, we never learn, and, sure as hell, we should never teach."

From the lips of my beloved Maya Angelou.

A Little Lonely Soul-Searching, Old Hurts, and Self Indulgences of the Soul

I'm going to put a disclaimer on this post: it's not a bunch of "revert to Christianity" garbage, it's just myself soul-searching and wondering about religion itself and the beliefs therein.

A lot of stuff in my life is crazy right now.

I posted the picture above because I wanted to know something from you all...this blog is young yet, and I don't really have any followers, so this will be me more asking the "world," "universal consciousness," and "myself," this question more than I'm literally actually asking anybody here. Though...I would love it if you all answered too.

Do you guys believe in God? Does anybody truly believe in a God anymore? Anyone that's not brainwashed and bloody insane, anyway?

I've always wondered if we were all just fooling ourselves. I don't really know. I've always struggled with the concept of a God.

Why would he put us here just to let us die? Why would he make us all go through so many heart breaks? Why would he give that girl, who doesn't appreciate it, absolutely beautiful and perfect skin? Why does that bitch of a girl get that sweetheart of a guy to destroy when the rest of us women only want to love him? Why does he give children to people who will beat them and utterly destroy their psyches and personalities? Why? Why doesn't it all make sense at all?

Why does he have to make us learn everything? Wouldn't it be easier if we just all already knew it all? Why do we have to have faith in something that is invisible, no matter what religion you follow? Well...except for Paganism...I'm pretty sure they worship the actual Earth and things you can see depending on the group. Why the hell does he/they/it leave us so bloody freaking alone to deal with the world? Wouldn't it be easier to tell us how to do certain things right off the bat? I bet we wouldn't have been such a screwed up species if he'd done so. Of course, we have the books for all the separate religions...but who actually listens to every word in them? They are written by humans after all.

I guess I partially just answered my own question...but still...wouldn't it have been easier to instill within us all a set of beliefs and morals that we universally agree upon and can't debate even if we'd like to? Wouldn't it have been a lot easier?

Does God actually give us anything? Does God save our souls when we die? Do we exist at all beyond electrical pulses in a body made of flesh and bone? Isn't it all us? Isn't it all us...isn't it all freaking chance?

I'm wondering all of this because I've been alone a lot, lately. I've also been slightly suicidal, and I almost killed myself the other day accidentally.

I was driving...and I blanked out...I wasn't even seeing the scene in front of me, and my dad had to yell at me to get me out of my trance so that I could slam on the brakes before I ran into the back of the car stopped in the middle of the road in front of me at sixty miles per hour. It would've killed everyone. Myself and several bystanders, including the person in the car I would've hit.

My best explanation for this was that I really wasn't there...the music playing had shut off my mind and I was watching the side of the road...the car in front of me...it wasn't the car that was there the last time I looked in front of me...it was like a dream. There was something really, truly, and sickly wrong with the whole situation.

My dad talked to me about it today...brought it up and told me it was "divine intervention" that saved our lives. Really? Was it? Or wasn't it just him that got lucky and was watching the road?

I don't really feel that's the truth to it. I feel like something saved us...but was it really saving me? I don't know. I think it was saving everybody else.

I haven't been here for a long time.

I haven't really wanted to be saved for a long time. I've just wanted to be left alone. I think this is the cause of my faithlessness. I don't really want to be saved and live eternally in an afterlife of absolute utopia...I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

No. This specific thing is not caused by depression, I promise you that. I've felt this way for a long time. Long before I ever knew what depression was, or felt it myself. I just...don't want to be eternally happy in an endless abyss of clouds...I want to close my eyes and sleep.

I feel like such an old soul. I just want my punishment of life to be up and to be left alone. Honestly, that's all. Because this life feels like punishment to me. All life does. It's not because it's particularly bad, it's just because I don't like it...I really...really...just want to rest. It's like it's all too bright...

I'm really sorry for saying these things...I know so many of you would kill for this brightness that I dislike...it's just that I feel like I need to rest. It's not an ungratefulness. It's just an infinite tiredness that I was born with. Most likely, some of you will understand this. Some of you will understand what I'm saying.

Nobody around me does. So I don't talk about it...I don't want therapy for it because it's not that kind of issue. It really isn't.

It's like the bickering of the world has just gotten infinitely old to me. Like it was old before I was born, because I have always been this way. I remember it from my earliest memories. I'm ready to leave, and be happy, and change worlds...never to come back to this place. This world is not my place. This world is not my home.

*shakes head* I can barely type right now. My home is not this world. It is people. Souls, and soul essence. My world is people. The feeling I get when I'm in the arms of somebody I love is indescribable...but that is a feeling that I don't ever have...so basically I am a person living in the middle of space with no world or place to belong.

I'm tired, old people. I'm tired.

Maybe I don't want to die completely...I just want to rest for awhile before I find my little utopia at the end of the world...

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world—a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flirts with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors." ~Virginia Woolf

It Takes Will to Keep Walking, But it Takes Determination to Fly

"Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me."

It's been awhile since I last wrote. In fact, I only had one post in all of July. I told you all that I'd have long breaks without posting...but that I'd always come back...because I enjoy talking about myself too much. >insert laugh here<

I had a lot happen in July. I ended up changing my cell phone number because my (now) asshole of an ex boyfriend was calling me crying about what was going on in his home town. He then proceeded to lean on me like I was his best friend because everyone left and/or betrayed him, and, a the end of it all, he told me that he lost his virginity to some girl...some girl he'd told me was cold the month before. Cold compared to my warmth. He didn't think there was anything wrong with this. Not at all.

Anyway, like I said, I ended up changing my cell phone number. The second I saw that text...I sighed heavily, and I looked at it for a few minutes. I understood completely that it was the end of an era in my life. I mourned him silently as I watched him send text after text as I didn't reply. After five more texts that I don't remember well, I sent him back the single line, "Goodbye, ___." I won't post his name. I don't think I did before, but now that this has ended, finally, so badly...I don't want him even slightly trackable through me. I went onto my cell provider's website and chocked up the $37 to change my number forever. I hate that I had to spend any more of my money on him.

Moral to the story, boys and girls: if your heart is telling you to stop listening to somebody...to leave them and let them go because either you, or they, are harming yourself, or themselves by talking to you...do it. You deserve better than the hell that they cause you to live through, and no amount of hope will make your situation any better when they aren't willing to hope with you, mmkay? I know you probably don't want to believe me, but I've lived it. Please learn from my mistakes.

I should have left him alone a long time ago.

Because of him I got the worst grades I've ever gotten...the depression I went into thinking I could actually get him back and stop being lonely one day. Well. I will stop being lonely...but it was never because he was going to come back into my life, and you will never stop being lonely just because a person comes back into yours. There is no such thing as a person in this world who will "save" you. Only God can do that....and only you can do that. Put more emphasis on the "you" if you have no religion. Also, because of him...and a lot of myself thanks to the depression I let myself incur...I still don't have a job of my own...and I'm nineteen. Yes. Laugh at me baby dolls, because I deserve to be laughed at.

I can't believe myself either.

All year I've been saying I'd get a job, but I didn't. I couldn't drag myself out of the hell hole I was living in. It really was a horrible place. But, through all of this, I finally got set free by that asshole, and I finally got set free by myself. Setting myself free was much harder than having him let me go.

I guess...I just like to...hold on to promises. I'm still young enough that I believe in them. I like to believe that a promise is a promise...but I suppose I never realized that a promise made in the heat of love is never kept.

I won't tell you what he promised me, but I'll tell you it all failed. It's not like I really expected it to be real in the beginning, but the heart is easily fooled by love, so don't let it make you forget you have a mind. A mind that is beautiful...infinitely wise...and able to stand through all trials.

The body may fall, but it is your mind that decides to pick it up. It takes will to keep walking, baby doll, and it takes determination to fly. I wish I could remember all of the wisdom I spout at three in the morning when I was talking to people. I'd be forever brilliant. >insert another laugh here<

Anyway, let's take a moment to talk about the sentence I wrote at the very beginning of this post. "Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me." Now, what do you think it means? It means that I put other people before me and I give advice like this...because people never did it for me, but they really should have.

My family didn't tell me to get out of this toxic relationship before it was too late...they didn't tell me how it would end like they knew they should have...they didn't help me get over it at all. THEY SAW ME DEPRESSED AND DID NOTHING AT ALLLLLL. Do you understand how horrible that is? So this is why I write. This is why I tell you these things...because somebody should have done it for me. They really should have.

If you are in a bad place, my lovelies, please help yourself, because I can only tell you to do so much. All of us have people in our lives who should have done something for us, but didn't. Don't let yourself wait for them to tell you to do something. You have to help yourself before anybody will help you, and, most importantly, you have to love yourself again before you can love anybody new.

I'll not be so afraid to be myself anymore, will you? You have the choice. Listen to yourself.

Please. Help yourself. And don't waste your time waiting for somebody to tell you to do so. I tell you what I tell you, because somebody should have told me, honey.

This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"Hopefully my experience can help a little bit. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle." ~Ed Jovanovski

A Little Lonely Wandering

So, as per my absence, you can probably tell what's coming. Yes, I've been off on a vacation for the last nine or so days.

Travelling always changes me. Always. This is part of the reason I tend to dread it. A great deal more of the reason is that (at this point in my life) I have to travel with my family, and my family doesn't get along well. My father is impatient as hell, my mother is rude, and makes everyone wait for her for half an hour every time we stop somewhere...gas, rest stops, restaurants, you name it. Put that together in an equation, I'm sure you don't like the answer you get out of it either.

Anyway, this was an okay vacation. We went to Wisconsin and Iowa. Saw the familia. My grandmother's 93 right now, which is the only reason I didn't fight tooth and nail to keep myself from having to go somewhere with my family for a week without any means of escape.

I don't have any family here in Colorado. I don't really have anybody here that loves me...genuinely. When I'm home I escape the world with my computer or a book—it's the only way I survive it all. I ignore everything. I don't remember anything because I almost always choose not to. Who would choose to remember a family constantly at each other's throats, treating each other like shit, and pretending the other members didn't exist 90% of the time? I don't have that kind of strength. Thus. I ignore it.

Or rather, I have that kind of strength, I just figured a long time ago that ignoring it was better for my own psychiatric health than trying to fight for something better. Sometimes people are the way they are, and they won't change. No matter how many times others tell them that there's something better out there.

Anyway. Traveling changes me. It gives me a time to speculate. To be myself when I've nothing else to remove myself to. Traveling also (I think, for everyone) takes the comfort away. You're constantly moving, you're in places you don't know...you can only have so many personal belongings. You have to be you unequivocally. All you have is you. You can't put up masks because you're too busy doing other things to remember that you have one. You are yourself. You see yourself—scared little chicken-shit, or brave lion that knows how to face the world. Slow and stupid, or fast and quick-witted in new situations. Lonely...or comfortable with yourself. Perhaps a combination. Suffice it to say, your kaleidoscope glasses aren't so rosy when they're spattered with bugs from flying down the highway and you have to take them off to see. >insert laugh here<

Tsk. A lot happened to me on this trip. My parents decided that the best way to get to Iowa was to take a little venture through South Dakota, where the ex lives. We drove by his city. Twice. We were within five miles of him twice. Do you understand that? If I was so inclined I could've driven up to his doorstep and said, "hello, Idiot, do you see me standing here?" and, in-between sobs, "I could've saved you from all this. I could've taken you away from it all. But you left me!" I had two chances to do that. I had two chances to break down and beg to go see him and ask for him back or bitch him out depending on my mood...but, I didn't. Do you know what I did? Little lonely reader, do you know what I did? As we drove past him on our way home...as we passed the exit that would've taken me straight to him...or at least to a place imbued with his energy...I took my phone out and deleted his number. I deleted everything that tied me to him. All of his past messages...anything that would've given me a way back to him.

I deleted it all. I probably would've sobbed as I did it if it weren't for my family sitting around me, but I only let role one tear, as it was. Nobody knew.

I don't have anything left of him now. Only a single picture of us together...miserable...after he'd told me he couldn't do it. It's a blurry picture, and I stored it in the diary that I finished shortly after we broke up.

I'll never look at it again...at least not until many years have passed and the only reason I recall his name when I see it is because I read his name on the pages of the diary it's included in.

He's all gone now. I never should've had anything to do with him originally. I knew it wouldn't/couldn't work. But...little ones...love is irresistible to me. The idea that someone would love me is so tempting, I can't just let it go. The idea that I'll one day be okay and have a boy to come home to that loves me...I'd kill for it...but I won't. Not right now.

It's somebody else's turn to fight for me. I'll probably deny them. I always do. You know what, though? At least I let him go.

If he wants, he can still find me. He can still call me. He probably hasn't deleted my number. At least he hadn't when he called me three weeks ago to tell me how his house was flooded, his friends were gone, he was alone, and he was trying to be with a girl who made him feel cold...and how kissing her felt wrong. Only to then insinuate he'd forgotten why he ever loved me.

Should I have fought for him when I heard all this? Some of you probably think so, but I already fought for him...and he was the Roman Emperor in his velvet lined box, and toga, who turned his thumb down on my little gladiatorial self. He killed me. Pretty much literally, for several months. I was suicidal because of him. I'd never kill...m...well...yea...at that point, may...sigh. It was bad, alright?

I won't fight for him, and I won't let him back into my life....so, yes. Travelling changes me.

It gave me the courage to finally give up, because, sometimes, giving up is the best thing in the world that you can do for yourself. It's almost always easy, but when you actually should but wish you didn't have to with all of your living heart...it's the last thing you want to do.

"Many of  life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." ~Thomas Edison

That quote haunted me almost every day for five months, at least. I neglected to realize that there was a second half that Mr. Edison didn't think out. Sometimes people don't know when to give up.

Know when to give up, little ones. Know when to move on. Because most people can't see what's right in front of their faces because of how long they've been looking backwards.

This has been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"Mate, if you choose to lock your heart away you'll lose it for certain." ~Captain Jack Sparrow

A Little Self-Confidence Makes The Medicine Go Down...the medicine go down...

So. I ran about a mile and a half today and sweated like a pig, and then I went for a two hour long bike ride. Just enjoying myself. I don't do that very often.

I'm trying to calm myself down and start following some of my dreams. "How does running and bike-riding follow a dream," you ask? It's just a really simple thing. I've always had some minor self-esteem issues with my body, and recently they've been pretty bad and have actually started to effect my life a little bit. I always kind of get this way in the summer, though, since it's just a given that you show more skin due to the heat.

If you read my posts closely you probably understand why I have issues with my body...Psoriasis. Yeah. I've had it since I was around seven or eight years old. It's not that big of a deal...and by that, I mean it's not a very bad case of psoriasis, but it is very visible on my elbows, and I have a few patches on my stomach, one on my knee, and one on the upper side of my left foot, and it also destroys my nails (to make them look normal I paint them). I'm as pale as pale gets, and they're a bright pink, almost red, against my milk white skin.

I've come out pretty good on this end considering that I grew up a freak. I've been paraded in front of more doctors than I care to admit, and when I was a little girl one of the first doctors I saw (to get diagnosed with psoriasis in the first place) used me as an example for twenty medical students who all came into my examination room to get their first eye-full of psoriasis. That wasn't normal. Ever since then I've been traumatized by this disease more times than I can count. I've been drug out of my sandbox and away from my friends to drive fifteen miles just to stand in a light box for twenty minutes out of a hope for "improvement." I was given ointments with steroids that thinned my skin and gave me stretchmarks at the age of nine. I was called "chicken pox girl" and even the teachers were scared of me. When I was in third grade my teacher was walking down the hall, leading our class to another room for our music lesson...she looked at my hand, freaked out and told me to go to the nurse. The nurse called my parents and asked what it was. Every grade after that up till my first year of middle school we had to sit down with every teacher I had and tell them what the hell was wrong with me so that they wouldn't have a conniption fit over my diseased body.

At one point or another I've had to explain my skin to every one of the friends I've had in my life. Answering the questions: "does it itch?" "Does it hurt?" "How long have you had it?" "What's it like?" "Why aren't you normal?" The answers to those questions are: yes. It friggin' itches sometimes. Yes. It hurts when my skin is so dry from it that it cracks and bleeds. And yes, it hurts when it gives me Psoriatic arthritis in my right knee occasionally. Finally, what's it like? It's like hell, darling. It's annoying, it's embarrassing, and people don't understand it.

The only thing that's kept me sane all these years is that I've been in a state of denial over its existence for around 90% of my life. I don't really see it when I look in the mirror. It's the assholes of the world that see it and remind me it's there with their backwards glances and raised eyebrows.

Every once in a while I look in the mirror and ask "Why, God? Why me?" Well. It made me a better person. It took a long while to accept myself, and there are still days that I look in the mirror at the shit and wish that I could tear it off of my skin. But...it made me a really good person. I understand so many things, I see the beauty in almost everything. I love hard, and I believe what comes out of my mouth. I KNOW a good person when I see one, and I understand what's worth fighting for. I've raised myself for years. I'm an old soul because of what I've lived through. I will always resent psoriasis a little, but I understand why it's been in my life.

Anyway, my psoriasis has been flaring up a little bit more than usual lately, and has been really annoying me. Also...it was really hard losing my ex...he wouldn't touch any part of my body with a patch on it...I know that's not why we broke up, but of course it didn't help anything, now did it? So I've felt really bad about myself lately. I just want to fix it all. I just want to be normal, you know? This psoriasis has been holding me back a lot recently, and I'm tired of it.

So what does this all have to do with bike-riding and running fulfilling dreams? I've been so depressed for the past few months because of being left alone again with my crazy mother, and losing the only person I've trusted in five years, and my psoriasis, that I haven't done anything. I've always said that I wanted to be in really great shape and take care of my body, so I'm doing it. Damned well I'm doing it this time. I will have the body I want by the end of this summer. I will. So, basically: I'm listening to myself and loving myself instead of listening to the shit of other people's mouths.

I'm turning myself back into the person I lost when I was in high school. Well, even middle school. I'm trying to make myself trust people, because I lost that ability long before I had my first memory. I'm turning myself into what and who I want to be because I absolutely refuse to become my parents and lose myself to bickering, ignorance, hatred, and a loveless marriage.

I want myself a good boy. Who loves me more than anything in the world. That's why I'm making me love myself. And that starts with taking care of myself. Which is why...why I will keep running, and riding, and eating well...and smiling every day...and playing the violin...and reading...and drawing.

These are all things that I stopped doing so long ago...so very, very, long ago.

To everyone that reads this: Don't lose your self-confidence. It is the single most important thing you have in this world...and, if you've lost it, do whatever it takes to find a reason to love yourself.

A little self-confidence makes the medicine go down, baby doll. You can do anything when you live for yourself, love, happiness, and all things that you believe in. If you're in a bad place in life, get yourself out of it, or find a way to deal with it so that you don't lose yourself, and let that be a healthy way. Drugs only get you deeper into your own shit-hole.

Even if it's as simple as watching the sunset alone every night. Get yourself out of the situation for a little while and do something you love and have been promising yourself that you were going to do.

Only you can help yourself.

This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." ~Norman Cousins