A Little Lonely Love

Sooo, it's Christmas Eve and I'm alone again. I'm trying my hardest to tell myself that's okay, but it's not.

For the most part I hate holidays, but not because I'm a Scrooge...it's because I'm tired of being alone on them. I mean, sure, I have my family, and kiddies, let me tell you that's the most important thing in the whole bloody world...but there are different kinds of love, and I'm severely lacking in one type: romantic.

I have friends. I could spend my time with them, yes, but that's not the same as what I want, and I always feel like I'm intruding. I guess what I'm telling you is that I'm tired of settling for less than what I want, and what I want is to not be alone in everything I do anymore. The problem with that is I have a lot of trouble trusting people—with getting close to people. I've never had much reason to trust anyone, you see. I've grown up with a father who's never said "I love you" to myself, or to my mother, and—speaking of mothers—I have a mother who will tell you "I love you" as soon as she'll call you an asshole and replace "love" with "hate." Doesn't make for much of a reason to want to date, or trust anyone, now does it?


Whenever I try to trust somebody, I always end up hitting a certain wall that keeps me from going to deeper levels of intimacy, and we're not talking about sex here, people. Intimacy means other things as well—like "emotional" intimacy. Get your minds out of the gutters. Anyway, I clam up...I physically can't talk, and my fight or flight response kicks in. I blame this on my family atmosphere. It's something that I can get over if I work really hard, but it takes a lot of time, and a lot of patience on the part of the person trying to get over my hang up, but I try.


All I want is love. All I want is somebody to pull under the mistletoe with, and kiss in the first few seconds of the new year. Until I get that, no material possession will ever mean anything to me again.


With Much Love, and a Little Hope for the New Year,
A Little Lonely Wisdom


"Every little thing needs love, honey." ~My Mother