Let's Talk.

So that last post was really dark. I could go and delete it...easily, but I won't. I swore to myself a long time ago in one of my diaries that the pages I ripped out and destroyed would be the last pages of my life that I ever let myself ignore. That, and I want you few people who will ever read this blog to see me in complete, and total, honesty.

You deserve that...because I don't really think I can give it to many people in my life anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to tell you that the post is going to go away...I think I made that clear in my last paragraph, but what I want to make crystal clear right now is that the problems that caused it are not going to go away any time soon. They are still here. I won't be killing myself—I highly doubt that. I do love myself on a deep inner level far too much for such things...but I do not, indeed, like myself at this given moment.

Everything is just going absolutely wrong. Well...it isn't like I haven't been asking for it, you know?

I've basically holed myself up in my room for the last year, trying to keep myself away from all of my past tragedies—and, while I've succeeded, I have made myself infinitely alone and scared of absolutely everything.


Let's make a list of the things that have happened in my life over the last year, this being a year from November to November.

• I had my first boyfriend, he was long distance, he dumped me...or I dumped him. Let's say we dumped each other.
• Said boyfriend harassed me for almost a year after our relationship ended. He told me about all the girls he was replacing me with, and the person he lost his virginity to. I changed my cell phone number—the cell phone number I'd had for six years.
• I made a couple of horrible friends that made me feel horrible about myself for awhile.
• Because of these horrible friends, and the people in my past, I have ignored all of my good friends, who just want to love me. I do regret this the most.
• My uncle died of lung cancer.
• My mother told me that all the people I thought were good, and loving, were actually cheating assholes who had no right to be looked up to, so I lost my role models.
• My grandmother went into the hospital—the one woman who has kept me sane through my hell hole of a childhood, and kept me from being selfish, and unlovable—and my mother consistently told me how she thought she was going to die. She is 94, and she will die soon, so this was unhelpful.
• My best friend got herself pregnant, by a guy she knew for two months before getting pregnant. She told me about seeing people murdered, and proceeded to tell me about how she was gang raped. Because of her lying tendencies, I don't know what to believe. I feel absolutely HORRIBLE for not believing her, but what the hell am I supposed to do?
• My parents have been having fights that all point to divorce at least once in each of the last months.
• I don't trust myself to date anymore because of how much of a horrible person I feel like. But, baby, I am so lonely. There's a reason why this blog is called "A Little Lonely Wisdom."

I don't feel very good at all, right now. Not about myself, not about my actions, and I don't have the ability to love anyone in my life at the moment. I suppose I do, but I'm not a fan of how I can't seem to hang out with a group of people...I always seem to run everyone away except for one person who I cling to like life itself. I hate myself for that. You can't even believe it.

I dunno. Thinking about it, does that make me a bad person, or does that make me loving and loyal? I can't really decide. I don't think I should hate myself for it, but I guess it's something I need to improve upon.

In light of the last couple of my posts being sad and uninspiring, I again want to remind you all that I'm not here for pity, and I'm not really here for advice. I'm just here to tell you about my mistakes, make myself feel better, and help you all learn a little bit about life, because I do have a lot to teach you.

I am, however, only human, and this has been a very bad year for me. What I tell you all about life, and my life in general, will not always be happy, but I will always be okay.

I'll choose another topic soon, probably one of the bullets I posted earlier, and write more on it, but, for now, I am done talking.

Goodnight.

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for someone you are not." ~Andre Gide