Light

It's been awhile since I talked to you all, I know, but this is the first time I've had something I felt was worth sharing in a long time, and I don't feel like it can be shared with those currently surrounding me without making myself sound like a know it all, a hypocrite, or just have myself end up being ignored.

No one has the right to take the light out of someone else's eyes. No one.

This has been,
A Little Lonely Wisdom

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I felt before. That's the deal." ~C.S. Lewis

A Simple Question

What is the difference between what you're doing now, and what you want to be doing with your life?

.......And why are you doing that?

You should do what you want to do, ya'll. Because nobody else will do it for you.

I have spent so much time in my life trying not to do what I actually really want to do because of the way my family has been. More importantly, because of the way myself has been.

You've got to support yourself in your dreams or nobody else will.

This Has Been,

A Little Lonely Wisdom

"Anyone desperate enough for suicide...should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try." ~Richard Bach

Letting Myself Rest

I've been feeling pretty crazy the last couple of days, I admit. I've been applying to transfer to a bigger college since my AA is going to be finished at the end of this summer, and I'm stressed. I applied to get into the psychology program, but now I'm second guessing myself—I watched a video on TED, you see, and it got me worried about myself and my future. It made me start thinking that I was making the wrong choices and that I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my future life. Here's the video if anyone's wondering/interested. It's about 15 minutes long, so I don't blame anyone for not watching it.

Anyway, it freaked me out. It made me feel like I have absolutely no idea about what I want to do in my life, and I think I really don't. It made me seriously go and look into Psychology, and I've figured out something that I always knew about it (weird, huh?), and that is that I'll be spending another seven years in college for a Ph.D. that will only pay me—on average—$56,000 a year. I know. A lot of you are angry at me for saying "only $56,000," but please give me the benefit of the doubt. I want to be a strong woman who does what she loves, and by doing this degree in psychology it could possibly mean that I'm going to spend seven more years lonely so that I can get a college degree in one of the single most emotionally demanding jobs in the world, and on top of all that, the bachelors and masters degree that I need to get to make it to a Ph.D. don't pay livable wages. Would this make it so that I'm stuck at home till I'm 27? Lonely? Cynical? Heartbroken?

I really don't want to live through that. I just don't think it's worth it. I mean, what the hell?

I know it's not all about the money, but when I'm considering spending another SEVEN years of my life on a project, I want to know that it's going to provide compensation. I think that's normal and justifyable.

On another related tangent, right before I saw this video and freaked, I had submitted my application for transfer to the college for a Psychology Major, and my application essay was a huge emotional appeal as to why I wanted to be a psychologist. What does all this mean for me? It doesn't make sense. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I do not want to waste my life, but I also don't know how to live it.

I think the biggest problem in all of this turmoil is that I don't have a support group to lean on, or I think it's more that I don't know how to lean on anybody else. I'm also too old for people to tell me what to do anymore. The idea of spending seven years on this degree that I feel like I don't really want anymore makes me deathly afraid of how lonely those times will be. Masters degees and Ph.D.'s are lifesuckers, after all. How could I afford any form of relationships during that time? I just don't know.

ANYWAY, you're all probably wondering what the point of the title is with the way the rest of this post has gone, and that's that I'm letting myself rest.

I went to my first class today, and now I've stopped. I needed time alone—to actually think about myself and what's going on. Not to mention that I have a lot of crud due in a lot of classes and going to them would actually hinder me from actually doing and turning in the work. Isn't that horrible? That the classes that assign me this stuff take up the only time that I have to do it? Third world problems, ya got to love them. Yes, I know there are worse things in this world, but right now these are my problems. I will probably deal with worse one day, yes, but this is what I'm freaked out about at the moment.

I need help so badly. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

For this moment in my life, though, I am taking one little second of rest.

This has been,
A Little Lonely Wisdom From Someone,
A Little Lonely

"I have always argued that change becomes stressful and overwhelming only when you've lost any sense of the constancy in your life. You need firm ground to stand on. From there, you can deal with that change." ~Richard Nelson

"If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will imediately feel overwhelmed." ~Anthony Robbins

" I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day." ~Abraham Lincoln

...now back to work. >>insert exasperated face here<

A Normal Kinda Girl—Marilyn Monroe

I'm a big fan of the idea that we don't ever really know the deepest depths of any single person's soul. We can have lived with them for our whole life...they can be our significant other, our mother, our father, our best friend—I just don't think anybody can ever claim to truly understand another person. Honestly enough, I believe that if you think you understand a person, you truly don't, and at that point you need to take a step back and stop being so full of yourself. Look in the mirror, because I bet you don't even truly understand yourself, and it's to be said that if you don't understand yourself, you don't understand anybody else.


With all of that said, I want to talk a little bit about one of my idols—that may be a bit strong of a word, so let's talk in heroes. This is one of my heroes:

Yeah, that's Marilyn Monroe.

In her day she was a sex icon. She was beautiful, stunning is a good word for it, actually. A lot of people thought she was a ditz, and a lot of people still do.

I used to not give one half of a rat's ass that she was beautiful. I didn't care who she was—I didn't think she was anything to fawn over—she was just normal to me.  A person that existed who was probably not a great role model for me, but, you know what? I was wrong.

A while back in my search for self appreciation, I came across a quote by Marilyn Monroe:

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.”

It struck a chord in me. This quote was freaking brilliant, and all I could think was: That blonde haired bimbo said that? Hahaha, I laugh at myself now, recalling that thought process. 

I went on to read every single one of Marilyn Monroe's quotes after that, and you know what? They're all just as insightful and amazing as that one. Some examples for you:

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

and finally...

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

There are at least fifty more quotes by Ms. Monroe that are just as brilliant. Most people only sprout one cockamamie line per lifetime that's worth quoting.

To me, this says that you can't judge people by the way they look, and I haven't done that for a long time. I especially have been careful of not doing so ever since I figured out just how brilliant, and misunderstood, Marilyn Monroe was. 

Like many people cursed with such brilliance, introversion, and lack of understanding from others,  Marilyn Monroe committed suicide, and it was a great loss to this world. Had she been able to be herself—had the world not expected her to be so perfect and play such a role, she could've taught the world many things. Fortunately, we have her quotes and personal interviews left behind to learn from—to take from the understanding that people are not always what they seem.

She was a beautiful, lonely, but wonderful woman.

Please, I implore you: look around yourself. Please. Stop judging people. They may be just like Marilyn Monroe—they may be someone you'd find yourself spending all of your life and time with if you'd just stop being so blind and ask yourself if they could be different than what you think you've perceived them to be.

Give all of the world a chance, and if they fail it—that's all right. You tried. All you have to do is try, my lovelies, and the world will be a better place for you if you just try hard enough.

Here, I'll leave you today with a picture of who I think Marilyn Monroe really was on the inside. She's not glamorous, but she's still beautiful.

This Has Been,

A Little Lonely Wisdom From Someone,

A Little Lonely

"People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one." ~Marilyn Monroe

More Changes to the Workings of This Little World

I've been thinking on this a long while now, but I've finally decided—I'm going to start talking to you all more. There really aren't that many followers right now, but I have come to the thought that it would be a good idea to have something I do at least three times a week—if not daily—for awhile. This, of course, means that my posts will be shorter, and won't always contain much wisdom from me, but I will post.


I want to give "A Little Lonely Wisdom" a makeover. It will no longer be quite as dark, and the backgrounds and theme will change. Sometimes it will be dark, and sometimes it will be light, but it will always be pretty, beautiful, and reflect my soul at that particular moment. SO, what's going to be the new purpose of ALLW? We will be learning together. As I go through this life I will teach you what I learn about myself, and what I learn about the world. Hopefully you will all learn something, and hopefully I will learn something about myself during the process. I fully expect to, anyway.


The purpose of this blog will now be to take somebody from being someone who is "A Little Lonely," to someone who is "A Little Hopeful," "A Little Bit More Wise," and, most importantly, "A Little Bit Less Lonely," and "A Little Bit More Lovely, Loving, and Wonderful." Hopefully, it will turn yourself, and myself, into someone who is "A Little Bit More Purposeful."


This post is to celebrate the beginning of a full soul's transformation into something beautiful, wise, gentle, loving, and no longer scared of the world. Please, celebrate with me the beginning of the journey into becoming a strong, humble, unconditionally loved, and loving woman. Follow me while I try to become a lovely person, and a lovely soul, for I will need all of your help.


From this point forward, for at least a year, I will try to chronicle my life in one way or another daily. I'll sometimes give you a picture, and maybe share some wisdom. I'll also share the wisdom of other people, and my own. At the worst of it, I will try to post at least once a week. I'll share long and short stories, so stay tuned.


Anyway, to see what this becomes, please follow me on my journey—it will bring good times, wonderful times, horrible times, and bad times, but we will all try to go on living our lives.


This Has Been Some Hope From Someone,
A Little Lonely


I couldn't find the author of this quote, this time, but here it be, my darlings:


"We pay for wisdom with our youth." I'm here to tell you that we will learn to be wise, and save the world, while we are still young and people are willing to listen. With that said, we will make people listen, always, because the world needs to have a voice.


It's my turn now, world. This is my voice. It is loud, it is strong, let it speak for you, and all of the world. 


Everyone must learn to speak for themselves—I will but only help.

Death is Never Timely, Nor Should it Ever Be

So, I think it's official at this point. My grandmother really seems to be dying. I'm really scared of it all to tell you guys the truth.

Everything's just so crazy right now—I don't know how to deal with it all. I love my grandmother more than anything, but when it's your time to move on...I guess it just is your time to move on.


If I've learned much in this life, there is no stopping death when he comes knocking on your door. It's best just to accept it and go onto a better place.


I pray for my grandmother to live a little longer, but I don't want her to suffer, and she's already lived a long life. It's a bad place to be.


This has been some woeful sighs from someone,
A Little Lonely


Finally, a poem that I always think of when death grows nearer and more chill:

Because I Could Not Stop For Death

By: Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me;

The carriage held but just ourselves

And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,

And I had put away

My labour, and my leisure too,

For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,

Their lessons scarcely done;

We passed the fields of gazing grain,

We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed

A swelling of the ground;

The roof was scarcely visible,

The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each

Feels shorter than the day

I first surmised the horses' heads

Were toward eternity.

Even the Possibility of Losing Someone Hurts

Well, life has been really crazy lately...and by that I mean over the last couple of years, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up a little bit, isn't it? Truth be told, all of the craziness in my life for the past couple of years is exactly why I ended up having to create this blog—to help, in part, to keep my sanity, and also because all of this craziness tends to give me a lot of wisdom to share with the world.


Anyway, I don't recall mentioning this in this blog, but last year one of my uncles died, so my family and I had to deal with that grief, and going to that funeral...that wasn't too bad. I didn't know my uncle very well—I loved him solely because I knew he was part of my family, that, and whenever I did see him, he was always a nice guy. So, what all this comes down to is that my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital lately, and now she's there again. This time they're talking congestive heart failure.


I don't know what to do with myself. This woman was like my mother when I was a little girl, hell...I always felt like I loved her more than my own mother when I was little. You see, my own mother was never around, and neither was my dad. It wasn't their faults—they were always working; they had to, but this led to my grandmother practically raising me, and making the greatest impression on my young self out of all the people I knew in my life at that time. She was like my real mother. She still does feel like she's my real mother when I talk to her.


I don't want to lose her...but I'm starting to become extremely afraid that my time with her...moreover...her time with us in this world is limited...which they are. She is almost 95, after all.


It's hard when you think you're about to lose something more important to you than the world for, when you realize that you're about to lose something, all you want to do is keep yourself from losing that thing. Your prayers become selfish. Right now all I want is to be able to talk to my grandmother one more time and tell her "I love you" before she leaves this world. I told her every time I talked to her before, but it's been awhile, and I don't want to have any regrets. I don't know.


She was always the one person who would tell me to follow my dreams. My family never did that—my mom tried, but my dad wouldn't ever encourage anything that didn't ultimately lead to success with no doubt, and my dreams have never been things that would be undoubtedly successful.


My grandmother's love for me has always been unconditional. I wish she could be here with me for the rest of my life. She's the only person like that that I have left right now. 


I'm not consigning her to the grave or anything by writing this post, but it's not looking good. 


I love you grandma—we all love you. Please be able to stay with us for a little longer. All the money in the world couldn't make me want to lose your love.


Love,
the person behind A Little Lonely Wisdom


"You can't fill your cup until you empty all it has
You can't understand what lays ahead if 
You don't understand the past
You'll never learn to fly now until you're
Standing at the cliff
And You Can't truly love until you've given up on it."
~"Satellite" by Rise Against

Oceans and Fires

So, it's the beginning of a new semester—it was right about this time last year where I finally gave up on myself. I was so lonely. I was so tired. I couldn't sleep, and it felt like my world had come to an end—an end that made me want to leave my life behind as well.


Last year was indeed a horrible year. I'd been so confident and happy when I knew that I wasn't really alone in the world—when I knew that there was someone out there who loved me. So, when he left, I left.

It's taken a long time for me to come to terms with everything—an extremely long time for me to come to the realization that everything was going to be okay, and it's felt like an eternity since I last loved myself, but I'm finally back in that place. Good lord, it's nice. I feel so much more like myself than I ever did before this all happened to me (if you're wondering what I'm talking about, see the second post that I ever wrote in this blog). I mean...I see myself, you know? I feel like—before any of this happened—I didn't know anything about who I was or what I stood for...make that what I stand for. Like...I didn't even know the simplest things about myself. It was crazy.


I'm not trying to say that I know everything about myself now, because, no, that will be a lifelong process, but I know the things that are the most important, I think, anyway.


For example, I understand that peace is really important to me in all aspects of the word. Inner peace, outer peace, transcendental peace....I want it and need it more than anything. I don't particularly like my life to be like the roaring waves of the ocean, you see. I just don't like it. 


I don't like my life to be as cold as the ocean, either.


When I was with my last boyfriend—also known as the one who started all of this—we would compare each other to certain things. He...his soul was like the ocean. Deep and mysterious. I thought that was beautiful, but I neglected to see that a deep, dark, ocean, not only contains mysteries, but it also contains a frigidity that I wanted to refuse to notice. It was, in its own way, freezing, and it was also tumultuous. I had thought that I was looking out on an ocean smooth as glass that only needed my footsteps across its surface to wake it to life, but no...it didn't...and it wasn't.


What I was really looking at was an ocean whose surface and interior was so disturbed by its past waves that it was only waiting to swallow me up. Not embrace me like a mother to its breast.

☆ ⋆☆ ⋆☆ ⋆☆

He would call me his fire...and his stars. He would tell me how his soul was so warmed by mine—how he felt complete when he talked to me, and how we were somehow linked across the distance that separated us.

I believed it, because, I do feel like a raging fire, and, if you take those online quizzes that ask you what element you feel in tune with, I would always select the fire bubble. Not to be cool, but because it's true.

Most people don't know much about me, but I'll tell you just a little secret that a lot of people...well...actually, no one knows this one...anyway, a secret that no one knows. I like fire—I indeed love it—but I rarely light fires. No candles, no fireplaces, no campfires or bonfires, and this is because I don't need a fire when I have one burning so brightly inside me. Lighting a fire always reminds me of what I have within me that I can barely control anyway. Why would I want it on the outside, as well?

Now, there is no proof that there is a soul. There is no proof that anyone has a soul, or for what it is made out of, but I have felt for a long time that mine sits in the middle of my chest between my lungs, and it burns like fire. It's where I feel all of my emotions. Sometimes it smolders. Sometimes it's almost burnt out. But, when I am truly myself, it burns brightly, and beautifully, and can be slightly scary to look upon.

So, when he told me he thought of my soul as a bright burning fire, it felt like somebody had finally seen me.

Incidentally, these comparisons were the way he began the ending of the relationship that almost ended me. He told me that fire and water can't mix. I believe that I've told you all that once before on this blog, so I'll hope you'll bear with me. Anyway, I told him that fire and water make steam when mixed together, and I could've been right had he not poured his water all over my fire and extinguished me.

I'm one of those people who believes that opposites attract so as to complete a whole. Even after all the hell I've lived through over the last year and a few days, I still believe this.

A lot of people would call me crazy, but I still want to fall in love with an ocean. An ocean to cool my fire. Don't play me as stupid, though. I don't want the same ocean—that would be ridiculously stupid—I just want the one I'd thought I'd had. 

A smooth ocean whose inside may be in turmoil, but not one whose killing waves are hidden by mist like the last's was.

I can handle inner turmoil. I understand that. I am a fire, after all. I just want that cool ocean to come up and embrace me so that I can smolder instead of burn, and so that he can be warm instead of cold.

On another thought...I might just want somebody whose soul is like the stars.

This Has Been,

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart." ~William Shakespeare