"Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me."
It's been awhile since I last wrote. In fact, I only had one post in all of July. I told you all that I'd have long breaks without posting...but that I'd always come back...because I enjoy talking about myself too much. >insert laugh here<
I had a lot happen in July. I ended up changing my cell phone number because my (now) asshole of an ex boyfriend was calling me crying about what was going on in his home town. He then proceeded to lean on me like I was his best friend because everyone left and/or betrayed him, and, a the end of it all, he told me that he lost his virginity to some girl...some girl he'd told me was cold the month before. Cold compared to my warmth. He didn't think there was anything wrong with this. Not at all.
Anyway, like I said, I ended up changing my cell phone number. The second I saw that text...I sighed heavily, and I looked at it for a few minutes. I understood completely that it was the end of an era in my life. I mourned him silently as I watched him send text after text as I didn't reply. After five more texts that I don't remember well, I sent him back the single line, "Goodbye, ___." I won't post his name. I don't think I did before, but now that this has ended, finally, so badly...I don't want him even slightly trackable through me. I went onto my cell provider's website and chocked up the $37 to change my number forever. I hate that I had to spend any more of my money on him.
Moral to the story, boys and girls: if your heart is telling you to stop listening to somebody...to leave them and let them go because either you, or they, are harming yourself, or themselves by talking to you...do it. You deserve better than the hell that they cause you to live through, and no amount of hope will make your situation any better when they aren't willing to hope with you, mmkay? I know you probably don't want to believe me, but I've lived it. Please learn from my mistakes.
I should have left him alone a long time ago.
Because of him I got the worst grades I've ever gotten...the depression I went into thinking I could actually get him back and stop being lonely one day. Well. I will stop being lonely...but it was never because he was going to come back into my life, and you will never stop being lonely just because a person comes back into yours. There is no such thing as a person in this world who will "save" you. Only God can do that....and only you can do that. Put more emphasis on the "you" if you have no religion. Also, because of him...and a lot of myself thanks to the depression I let myself incur...I still don't have a job of my own...and I'm nineteen. Yes. Laugh at me baby dolls, because I deserve to be laughed at.
I can't believe myself either.
All year I've been saying I'd get a job, but I didn't. I couldn't drag myself out of the hell hole I was living in. It really was a horrible place. But, through all of this, I finally got set free by that asshole, and I finally got set free by myself. Setting myself free was much harder than having him let me go.
I guess...I just like to...hold on to promises. I'm still young enough that I believe in them. I like to believe that a promise is a promise...but I suppose I never realized that a promise made in the heat of love is never kept.
I won't tell you what he promised me, but I'll tell you it all failed. It's not like I really expected it to be real in the beginning, but the heart is easily fooled by love, so don't let it make you forget you have a mind. A mind that is beautiful...infinitely wise...and able to stand through all trials.
The body may fall, but it is your mind that decides to pick it up. It takes will to keep walking, baby doll, and it takes determination to fly. I wish I could remember all of the wisdom I spout at three in the morning when I was talking to people. I'd be forever brilliant. >insert another laugh here<
Anyway, let's take a moment to talk about the sentence I wrote at the very beginning of this post. "Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me." Now, what do you think it means? It means that I put other people before me and I give advice like this...because people never did it for me, but they really should have.
My family didn't tell me to get out of this toxic relationship before it was too late...they didn't tell me how it would end like they knew they should have...they didn't help me get over it at all. THEY SAW ME DEPRESSED AND DID NOTHING AT ALLLLLL. Do you understand how horrible that is? So this is why I write. This is why I tell you these things...because somebody should have done it for me. They really should have.
If you are in a bad place, my lovelies, please help yourself, because I can only tell you to do so much. All of us have people in our lives who should have done something for us, but didn't. Don't let yourself wait for them to tell you to do something. You have to help yourself before anybody will help you, and, most importantly, you have to love yourself again before you can love anybody new.
I'll not be so afraid to be myself anymore, will you? You have the choice. Listen to yourself.
Please. Help yourself. And don't waste your time waiting for somebody to tell you to do so. I tell you what I tell you, because somebody should have told me, honey.
This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom
"Hopefully my experience can help a little bit. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle." ~Ed Jovanovski
