Oceans and Fires

So, it's the beginning of a new semester—it was right about this time last year where I finally gave up on myself. I was so lonely. I was so tired. I couldn't sleep, and it felt like my world had come to an end—an end that made me want to leave my life behind as well.


Last year was indeed a horrible year. I'd been so confident and happy when I knew that I wasn't really alone in the world—when I knew that there was someone out there who loved me. So, when he left, I left.

It's taken a long time for me to come to terms with everything—an extremely long time for me to come to the realization that everything was going to be okay, and it's felt like an eternity since I last loved myself, but I'm finally back in that place. Good lord, it's nice. I feel so much more like myself than I ever did before this all happened to me (if you're wondering what I'm talking about, see the second post that I ever wrote in this blog). I mean...I see myself, you know? I feel like—before any of this happened—I didn't know anything about who I was or what I stood for...make that what I stand for. Like...I didn't even know the simplest things about myself. It was crazy.


I'm not trying to say that I know everything about myself now, because, no, that will be a lifelong process, but I know the things that are the most important, I think, anyway.


For example, I understand that peace is really important to me in all aspects of the word. Inner peace, outer peace, transcendental peace....I want it and need it more than anything. I don't particularly like my life to be like the roaring waves of the ocean, you see. I just don't like it. 


I don't like my life to be as cold as the ocean, either.


When I was with my last boyfriend—also known as the one who started all of this—we would compare each other to certain things. He...his soul was like the ocean. Deep and mysterious. I thought that was beautiful, but I neglected to see that a deep, dark, ocean, not only contains mysteries, but it also contains a frigidity that I wanted to refuse to notice. It was, in its own way, freezing, and it was also tumultuous. I had thought that I was looking out on an ocean smooth as glass that only needed my footsteps across its surface to wake it to life, but no...it didn't...and it wasn't.


What I was really looking at was an ocean whose surface and interior was so disturbed by its past waves that it was only waiting to swallow me up. Not embrace me like a mother to its breast.

☆ ⋆☆ ⋆☆ ⋆☆

He would call me his fire...and his stars. He would tell me how his soul was so warmed by mine—how he felt complete when he talked to me, and how we were somehow linked across the distance that separated us.

I believed it, because, I do feel like a raging fire, and, if you take those online quizzes that ask you what element you feel in tune with, I would always select the fire bubble. Not to be cool, but because it's true.

Most people don't know much about me, but I'll tell you just a little secret that a lot of people...well...actually, no one knows this one...anyway, a secret that no one knows. I like fire—I indeed love it—but I rarely light fires. No candles, no fireplaces, no campfires or bonfires, and this is because I don't need a fire when I have one burning so brightly inside me. Lighting a fire always reminds me of what I have within me that I can barely control anyway. Why would I want it on the outside, as well?

Now, there is no proof that there is a soul. There is no proof that anyone has a soul, or for what it is made out of, but I have felt for a long time that mine sits in the middle of my chest between my lungs, and it burns like fire. It's where I feel all of my emotions. Sometimes it smolders. Sometimes it's almost burnt out. But, when I am truly myself, it burns brightly, and beautifully, and can be slightly scary to look upon.

So, when he told me he thought of my soul as a bright burning fire, it felt like somebody had finally seen me.

Incidentally, these comparisons were the way he began the ending of the relationship that almost ended me. He told me that fire and water can't mix. I believe that I've told you all that once before on this blog, so I'll hope you'll bear with me. Anyway, I told him that fire and water make steam when mixed together, and I could've been right had he not poured his water all over my fire and extinguished me.

I'm one of those people who believes that opposites attract so as to complete a whole. Even after all the hell I've lived through over the last year and a few days, I still believe this.

A lot of people would call me crazy, but I still want to fall in love with an ocean. An ocean to cool my fire. Don't play me as stupid, though. I don't want the same ocean—that would be ridiculously stupid—I just want the one I'd thought I'd had. 

A smooth ocean whose inside may be in turmoil, but not one whose killing waves are hidden by mist like the last's was.

I can handle inner turmoil. I understand that. I am a fire, after all. I just want that cool ocean to come up and embrace me so that I can smolder instead of burn, and so that he can be warm instead of cold.

On another thought...I might just want somebody whose soul is like the stars.

This Has Been,

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart." ~William Shakespeare

It Takes Will to Keep Walking, But it Takes Determination to Fly

"Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me."

It's been awhile since I last wrote. In fact, I only had one post in all of July. I told you all that I'd have long breaks without posting...but that I'd always come back...because I enjoy talking about myself too much. >insert laugh here<

I had a lot happen in July. I ended up changing my cell phone number because my (now) asshole of an ex boyfriend was calling me crying about what was going on in his home town. He then proceeded to lean on me like I was his best friend because everyone left and/or betrayed him, and, a the end of it all, he told me that he lost his virginity to some girl...some girl he'd told me was cold the month before. Cold compared to my warmth. He didn't think there was anything wrong with this. Not at all.

Anyway, like I said, I ended up changing my cell phone number. The second I saw that text...I sighed heavily, and I looked at it for a few minutes. I understood completely that it was the end of an era in my life. I mourned him silently as I watched him send text after text as I didn't reply. After five more texts that I don't remember well, I sent him back the single line, "Goodbye, ___." I won't post his name. I don't think I did before, but now that this has ended, finally, so badly...I don't want him even slightly trackable through me. I went onto my cell provider's website and chocked up the $37 to change my number forever. I hate that I had to spend any more of my money on him.

Moral to the story, boys and girls: if your heart is telling you to stop listening to somebody...to leave them and let them go because either you, or they, are harming yourself, or themselves by talking to you...do it. You deserve better than the hell that they cause you to live through, and no amount of hope will make your situation any better when they aren't willing to hope with you, mmkay? I know you probably don't want to believe me, but I've lived it. Please learn from my mistakes.

I should have left him alone a long time ago.

Because of him I got the worst grades I've ever gotten...the depression I went into thinking I could actually get him back and stop being lonely one day. Well. I will stop being lonely...but it was never because he was going to come back into my life, and you will never stop being lonely just because a person comes back into yours. There is no such thing as a person in this world who will "save" you. Only God can do that....and only you can do that. Put more emphasis on the "you" if you have no religion. Also, because of him...and a lot of myself thanks to the depression I let myself incur...I still don't have a job of my own...and I'm nineteen. Yes. Laugh at me baby dolls, because I deserve to be laughed at.

I can't believe myself either.

All year I've been saying I'd get a job, but I didn't. I couldn't drag myself out of the hell hole I was living in. It really was a horrible place. But, through all of this, I finally got set free by that asshole, and I finally got set free by myself. Setting myself free was much harder than having him let me go.

I guess...I just like to...hold on to promises. I'm still young enough that I believe in them. I like to believe that a promise is a promise...but I suppose I never realized that a promise made in the heat of love is never kept.

I won't tell you what he promised me, but I'll tell you it all failed. It's not like I really expected it to be real in the beginning, but the heart is easily fooled by love, so don't let it make you forget you have a mind. A mind that is beautiful...infinitely wise...and able to stand through all trials.

The body may fall, but it is your mind that decides to pick it up. It takes will to keep walking, baby doll, and it takes determination to fly. I wish I could remember all of the wisdom I spout at three in the morning when I was talking to people. I'd be forever brilliant. >insert another laugh here<

Anyway, let's take a moment to talk about the sentence I wrote at the very beginning of this post. "Why do you do what you do? Because people should have done it for me." Now, what do you think it means? It means that I put other people before me and I give advice like this...because people never did it for me, but they really should have.

My family didn't tell me to get out of this toxic relationship before it was too late...they didn't tell me how it would end like they knew they should have...they didn't help me get over it at all. THEY SAW ME DEPRESSED AND DID NOTHING AT ALLLLLL. Do you understand how horrible that is? So this is why I write. This is why I tell you these things...because somebody should have done it for me. They really should have.

If you are in a bad place, my lovelies, please help yourself, because I can only tell you to do so much. All of us have people in our lives who should have done something for us, but didn't. Don't let yourself wait for them to tell you to do something. You have to help yourself before anybody will help you, and, most importantly, you have to love yourself again before you can love anybody new.

I'll not be so afraid to be myself anymore, will you? You have the choice. Listen to yourself.

Please. Help yourself. And don't waste your time waiting for somebody to tell you to do so. I tell you what I tell you, because somebody should have told me, honey.

This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"Hopefully my experience can help a little bit. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle." ~Ed Jovanovski

Pretty Little Understandings

This has been an odd week. Not a bad odd, but odd.

I've gone back to school after my three week break, and it's summer now. The birds are singing in the morning, and the days last till 8:00 p.m. People walk with a skip to their step and smiles on their faces. Little girls whirl happily in their summer bell dresses just to see them poof out around their legs, and the only thing that interrupts my afternoons is the sound of the church down the street ringing a happy tune at midday.

The music on the radio is peppier, the clothing brighter, and the smiles genuine. I love this time of year. There's just something about it. Even the darkest of hearts crack open a window and hope for something.

And I can look out my back door to see this.

Anyway, it's been an odd week. A friend of mine had a breakdown and I went to stay overnight with her to keep her company in her sadness, my father went off on me for no reason, my mother has been going through phases of depression and über happiness, and I've been okay with everything going on. I'm handling it all well. That being the only reason this week wasn't particularly bad other than the fact that I had a great day on Saturday. I'm handling things well. That is so odd for me. I think it has to do with all the strifes I've been going through over the last few years.

Finally, they're paying off.

Aww, man. I just cracked myself up. "Strifes that are paying off." I said that like I purposely put myself through the loss of my personality, a bout with an alcoholic family member, psoriasis, parents constantly on the verge of divorce, endless work, and a broken heart mixed with a helping of "long-distance-relationship."

I'm feeling better because I'm letting myself feel better. I'm feeling better because I'm following my dreams. I'm feeling better because I'm listening to my passions, and, finally, I'm feeling better because I'm making sure that I'm doing what I want to do along with what I have to do.

At the same time I'm dealing with my old pains instead of letting them float in the muck of my mind, heart, and soul. Every time something comes back to haunt me I stab it with a knife or shoot it with a bullet. My mind likes to tell me how everything that went wrong in my past was my fault and that I need to regret it forever. It's one of my dragons that needs slaying. I haven't fought it for a long time, but (like I've said) recently I've been killing it. I've been taking hunks out of it. I am so tired of being haunted by my past. It would be a good thing for it to die, perhaps mourned a little bit, but definitely needs to be left cold and lifeless in an unmarked grave. I'll never forget what I've been through, but it's nice to say goodbye for it. And you, if you've read this blog at all, know that I believe "goodbye" is a thing said only when you mean never to come back.

I also believe that shit happens for a reason. I always knew that my ex came into my life for a reason, and I always knew he would never stay, but it took me months to figure out why. You wanna know what I discovered? It's that he taught me how to fight. It's not like he told me to, but he gave me something to fight for, so I indirectly learned the lesson from him. It was really God telling me to do something. It was God telling me to stop being such a pussyfoot, and it was God telling me to get off my ass and live because there's good shit out there mixed in with all the crap. I'm glad he did. Because now I can handle my current situations, which are all easy in my mind, but I can deal with them whilst that little girl so many months ago wouldn't have dealt with anything at all.

You've got to deal with things. When you leave stuff undone, that stuff will come back to haunt you. I know that well. I definitely know that well.

Stuff comes into your life for a reason. Live through the circumstances bravely and fight your dragons. Just don't forget to slay them.

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you." ~Leo F. Buscaglia

Listen To Yourself: You Are Beautiful, You Are Strong, And You Are Amazing

"I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers." ~Kahlil Gibran

Some people are just annoying. With some people your words will always go in one ear and out the other like they never existed—like they were never uttered—despite the common sense and logic you use to explain something to them. I am guilty of this, but I am far less guilty of it than I am a victim of it. I always try to listen to what people are saying to me, simply out of respect. If they have an idea that is better than my own, I may not be happy about it for a time, but I will do my best to think on it and reason with myself so that I can accept that others can be more intelligent than myself in certain things—in a lot of things, because, as Stephen Tyler said recently in an interview: "It took me until I was sixty, but now I understand; I don't know anything."


None of us really understands anything.


We will never understand what created our universe, we can only postulate. We can have faith in one of the many scriptures that were written by the hand of man, whether or not their hands speak with the voice of a God or gods, but we will never know for sure why we are what we are until the day comes that we pass on into a world where everything is understood beyond the realm of human life. We, as humans, will never come to a conclusive agreement on anything. As long as we are alive, everything will be questioned. The only thing we can do, is stick to the things we believe in—no matter how many people tell us we're wrong.


Because there will always be bigots and hypocrites telling you what they think, and they will be telling you what they think you should think.


If you ever remember anything that I tell you, this needs to be one that sticks in your mind. The only person in this world whose opinion matters is your own. If you think something is wrong, it probably is. If you think somebody is leading you astray, they probably are. If you feel scared, there's probably a good reason. And, if a person shows you who they are: believe them the first time. Especially if they show you they're a bad person. Very rarely will a person be a shithead just to protect you, or to save face, or because they're hiding something. Besides, if being a shithead is the way a person deals with their problems, you don't want to deal with them anyway.


At the same time, sometimes we lie to ourselves. Sometimes we see things where only a particle of dust floats. Don't let your fears keep you from doing anything. If you've had your heart broken: love again. Just love somebody different, and love somebody new, and, most importantly, don't let yourself end up in the same bad ending just because you project old fears onto your  new situation. You are capable of living a "happily ever after." Albeit, it won't be a perfect one—you are capable of being as happy as you possibly can be in your circumstances.


No matter where you are in life, you have the ability to work hard and turn your world into what you want it to be. You do not have to be an American to live the American Dream. (Secretly, it's just as hard to make your dreams come true here, as it is anywhere else in the world.) I've always found it stupid that a dream so magical as raising up from your position in life and doing what you love had to be labeled with a country. It's a dream we all share, because we are all human, we are all the same, and we are all born with the ability to succeed.


Remember, it's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up, that matters. This is a truth that is common to all walks of life.


You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are strong. Nothing can stop you unless you let it, and nothing has power over you unless you give it. Take control of your own life, and don't spend time living in your own personal hells.


The only person who has to love you is you.


This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Wisdom


"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?" ~Dolores Huerta


"Everybody talks about wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yourself, it has a ripple effect." ~Rob Reiner


"It ain't nothing to find no starting place in the world. You just start from where you find yourself." ~August Wilson