Letting Myself Rest

I've been feeling pretty crazy the last couple of days, I admit. I've been applying to transfer to a bigger college since my AA is going to be finished at the end of this summer, and I'm stressed. I applied to get into the psychology program, but now I'm second guessing myself—I watched a video on TED, you see, and it got me worried about myself and my future. It made me start thinking that I was making the wrong choices and that I really didn't know what I wanted to do with my future life. Here's the video if anyone's wondering/interested. It's about 15 minutes long, so I don't blame anyone for not watching it.

Anyway, it freaked me out. It made me feel like I have absolutely no idea about what I want to do in my life, and I think I really don't. It made me seriously go and look into Psychology, and I've figured out something that I always knew about it (weird, huh?), and that is that I'll be spending another seven years in college for a Ph.D. that will only pay me—on average—$56,000 a year. I know. A lot of you are angry at me for saying "only $56,000," but please give me the benefit of the doubt. I want to be a strong woman who does what she loves, and by doing this degree in psychology it could possibly mean that I'm going to spend seven more years lonely so that I can get a college degree in one of the single most emotionally demanding jobs in the world, and on top of all that, the bachelors and masters degree that I need to get to make it to a Ph.D. don't pay livable wages. Would this make it so that I'm stuck at home till I'm 27? Lonely? Cynical? Heartbroken?

I really don't want to live through that. I just don't think it's worth it. I mean, what the hell?

I know it's not all about the money, but when I'm considering spending another SEVEN years of my life on a project, I want to know that it's going to provide compensation. I think that's normal and justifyable.

On another related tangent, right before I saw this video and freaked, I had submitted my application for transfer to the college for a Psychology Major, and my application essay was a huge emotional appeal as to why I wanted to be a psychologist. What does all this mean for me? It doesn't make sense. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I do not want to waste my life, but I also don't know how to live it.

I think the biggest problem in all of this turmoil is that I don't have a support group to lean on, or I think it's more that I don't know how to lean on anybody else. I'm also too old for people to tell me what to do anymore. The idea of spending seven years on this degree that I feel like I don't really want anymore makes me deathly afraid of how lonely those times will be. Masters degees and Ph.D.'s are lifesuckers, after all. How could I afford any form of relationships during that time? I just don't know.

ANYWAY, you're all probably wondering what the point of the title is with the way the rest of this post has gone, and that's that I'm letting myself rest.

I went to my first class today, and now I've stopped. I needed time alone—to actually think about myself and what's going on. Not to mention that I have a lot of crud due in a lot of classes and going to them would actually hinder me from actually doing and turning in the work. Isn't that horrible? That the classes that assign me this stuff take up the only time that I have to do it? Third world problems, ya got to love them. Yes, I know there are worse things in this world, but right now these are my problems. I will probably deal with worse one day, yes, but this is what I'm freaked out about at the moment.

I need help so badly. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

For this moment in my life, though, I am taking one little second of rest.

This has been,
A Little Lonely Wisdom From Someone,
A Little Lonely

"I have always argued that change becomes stressful and overwhelming only when you've lost any sense of the constancy in your life. You need firm ground to stand on. From there, you can deal with that change." ~Richard Nelson

"If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will imediately feel overwhelmed." ~Anthony Robbins

" I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day." ~Abraham Lincoln

...now back to work. >>insert exasperated face here<

A Normal Kinda Girl—Marilyn Monroe

I'm a big fan of the idea that we don't ever really know the deepest depths of any single person's soul. We can have lived with them for our whole life...they can be our significant other, our mother, our father, our best friend—I just don't think anybody can ever claim to truly understand another person. Honestly enough, I believe that if you think you understand a person, you truly don't, and at that point you need to take a step back and stop being so full of yourself. Look in the mirror, because I bet you don't even truly understand yourself, and it's to be said that if you don't understand yourself, you don't understand anybody else.


With all of that said, I want to talk a little bit about one of my idols—that may be a bit strong of a word, so let's talk in heroes. This is one of my heroes:

Yeah, that's Marilyn Monroe.

In her day she was a sex icon. She was beautiful, stunning is a good word for it, actually. A lot of people thought she was a ditz, and a lot of people still do.

I used to not give one half of a rat's ass that she was beautiful. I didn't care who she was—I didn't think she was anything to fawn over—she was just normal to me.  A person that existed who was probably not a great role model for me, but, you know what? I was wrong.

A while back in my search for self appreciation, I came across a quote by Marilyn Monroe:

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.”

It struck a chord in me. This quote was freaking brilliant, and all I could think was: That blonde haired bimbo said that? Hahaha, I laugh at myself now, recalling that thought process. 

I went on to read every single one of Marilyn Monroe's quotes after that, and you know what? They're all just as insightful and amazing as that one. Some examples for you:

"This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

and finally...

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

There are at least fifty more quotes by Ms. Monroe that are just as brilliant. Most people only sprout one cockamamie line per lifetime that's worth quoting.

To me, this says that you can't judge people by the way they look, and I haven't done that for a long time. I especially have been careful of not doing so ever since I figured out just how brilliant, and misunderstood, Marilyn Monroe was. 

Like many people cursed with such brilliance, introversion, and lack of understanding from others,  Marilyn Monroe committed suicide, and it was a great loss to this world. Had she been able to be herself—had the world not expected her to be so perfect and play such a role, she could've taught the world many things. Fortunately, we have her quotes and personal interviews left behind to learn from—to take from the understanding that people are not always what they seem.

She was a beautiful, lonely, but wonderful woman.

Please, I implore you: look around yourself. Please. Stop judging people. They may be just like Marilyn Monroe—they may be someone you'd find yourself spending all of your life and time with if you'd just stop being so blind and ask yourself if they could be different than what you think you've perceived them to be.

Give all of the world a chance, and if they fail it—that's all right. You tried. All you have to do is try, my lovelies, and the world will be a better place for you if you just try hard enough.

Here, I'll leave you today with a picture of who I think Marilyn Monroe really was on the inside. She's not glamorous, but she's still beautiful.

This Has Been,

A Little Lonely Wisdom From Someone,

A Little Lonely

"People had a habit of looking at me as if I were some kind of mirror instead of a person. They didn't see me, they saw their own lewd thoughts, then they white-masked themselves by calling me the lewd one." ~Marilyn Monroe

More Changes to the Workings of This Little World

I've been thinking on this a long while now, but I've finally decided—I'm going to start talking to you all more. There really aren't that many followers right now, but I have come to the thought that it would be a good idea to have something I do at least three times a week—if not daily—for awhile. This, of course, means that my posts will be shorter, and won't always contain much wisdom from me, but I will post.


I want to give "A Little Lonely Wisdom" a makeover. It will no longer be quite as dark, and the backgrounds and theme will change. Sometimes it will be dark, and sometimes it will be light, but it will always be pretty, beautiful, and reflect my soul at that particular moment. SO, what's going to be the new purpose of ALLW? We will be learning together. As I go through this life I will teach you what I learn about myself, and what I learn about the world. Hopefully you will all learn something, and hopefully I will learn something about myself during the process. I fully expect to, anyway.


The purpose of this blog will now be to take somebody from being someone who is "A Little Lonely," to someone who is "A Little Hopeful," "A Little Bit More Wise," and, most importantly, "A Little Bit Less Lonely," and "A Little Bit More Lovely, Loving, and Wonderful." Hopefully, it will turn yourself, and myself, into someone who is "A Little Bit More Purposeful."


This post is to celebrate the beginning of a full soul's transformation into something beautiful, wise, gentle, loving, and no longer scared of the world. Please, celebrate with me the beginning of the journey into becoming a strong, humble, unconditionally loved, and loving woman. Follow me while I try to become a lovely person, and a lovely soul, for I will need all of your help.


From this point forward, for at least a year, I will try to chronicle my life in one way or another daily. I'll sometimes give you a picture, and maybe share some wisdom. I'll also share the wisdom of other people, and my own. At the worst of it, I will try to post at least once a week. I'll share long and short stories, so stay tuned.


Anyway, to see what this becomes, please follow me on my journey—it will bring good times, wonderful times, horrible times, and bad times, but we will all try to go on living our lives.


This Has Been Some Hope From Someone,
A Little Lonely


I couldn't find the author of this quote, this time, but here it be, my darlings:


"We pay for wisdom with our youth." I'm here to tell you that we will learn to be wise, and save the world, while we are still young and people are willing to listen. With that said, we will make people listen, always, because the world needs to have a voice.


It's my turn now, world. This is my voice. It is loud, it is strong, let it speak for you, and all of the world. 


Everyone must learn to speak for themselves—I will but only help.