I'm Finally Seeing Myself! Yay! Finally!!!

This will be a shorter post than normal...but I just had to say something. Something to remind myself of what I have now seen and realized....I haven't been seeing myself.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SEEING MYSELF!

I looked in the mirror and I saw myself today! All this time I've spent so lost in myself...in the depths of my own despair...and I haven't been seeing myself! How many years have I been like this? Why haven't my friends been saying anything? Have my friends never seen me either, and thus don't know that they should be saying something? I'm so excited about everything now! I found myself again! And all I had to do was look in a bloody mirror!

Indeed...it was a bit of a paradoxical situation...but I saw myself...I saw myself seeing myself! I saw what other people see and I realized that all I've been telling myself is a lie! I'm sorry to myself. I really am!

Why did it take me so long to see this? To see myself the way the world sees me, and should see me, and how I really should be?

Why? I can't believe I lost myself that long!

I've finally seen myself! :D Yes. I am now finally happy!

In myself, anyway. Which is what I've always been missing to do everything else! Now! Now the adventure begins, my beautiful, pretty, wonderful, amazing, people!

See yourself! It's the best thing I ever did!

Easier said than done, I know! But just try!

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes. It is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, "well, if I'd known better I'd have done better," that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, "I'm sorry." If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. you can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black, or too white, or too poor, or too fat, or too thin, or too sexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that, we never grow, we never learn, and, sure as hell, we should never teach."

From the lips of my beloved Maya Angelou.

A Little Lonely Soul-Searching, Old Hurts, and Self Indulgences of the Soul

I'm going to put a disclaimer on this post: it's not a bunch of "revert to Christianity" garbage, it's just myself soul-searching and wondering about religion itself and the beliefs therein.

A lot of stuff in my life is crazy right now.

I posted the picture above because I wanted to know something from you all...this blog is young yet, and I don't really have any followers, so this will be me more asking the "world," "universal consciousness," and "myself," this question more than I'm literally actually asking anybody here. Though...I would love it if you all answered too.

Do you guys believe in God? Does anybody truly believe in a God anymore? Anyone that's not brainwashed and bloody insane, anyway?

I've always wondered if we were all just fooling ourselves. I don't really know. I've always struggled with the concept of a God.

Why would he put us here just to let us die? Why would he make us all go through so many heart breaks? Why would he give that girl, who doesn't appreciate it, absolutely beautiful and perfect skin? Why does that bitch of a girl get that sweetheart of a guy to destroy when the rest of us women only want to love him? Why does he give children to people who will beat them and utterly destroy their psyches and personalities? Why? Why doesn't it all make sense at all?

Why does he have to make us learn everything? Wouldn't it be easier if we just all already knew it all? Why do we have to have faith in something that is invisible, no matter what religion you follow? Well...except for Paganism...I'm pretty sure they worship the actual Earth and things you can see depending on the group. Why the hell does he/they/it leave us so bloody freaking alone to deal with the world? Wouldn't it be easier to tell us how to do certain things right off the bat? I bet we wouldn't have been such a screwed up species if he'd done so. Of course, we have the books for all the separate religions...but who actually listens to every word in them? They are written by humans after all.

I guess I partially just answered my own question...but still...wouldn't it have been easier to instill within us all a set of beliefs and morals that we universally agree upon and can't debate even if we'd like to? Wouldn't it have been a lot easier?

Does God actually give us anything? Does God save our souls when we die? Do we exist at all beyond electrical pulses in a body made of flesh and bone? Isn't it all us? Isn't it all us...isn't it all freaking chance?

I'm wondering all of this because I've been alone a lot, lately. I've also been slightly suicidal, and I almost killed myself the other day accidentally.

I was driving...and I blanked out...I wasn't even seeing the scene in front of me, and my dad had to yell at me to get me out of my trance so that I could slam on the brakes before I ran into the back of the car stopped in the middle of the road in front of me at sixty miles per hour. It would've killed everyone. Myself and several bystanders, including the person in the car I would've hit.

My best explanation for this was that I really wasn't there...the music playing had shut off my mind and I was watching the side of the road...the car in front of me...it wasn't the car that was there the last time I looked in front of me...it was like a dream. There was something really, truly, and sickly wrong with the whole situation.

My dad talked to me about it today...brought it up and told me it was "divine intervention" that saved our lives. Really? Was it? Or wasn't it just him that got lucky and was watching the road?

I don't really feel that's the truth to it. I feel like something saved us...but was it really saving me? I don't know. I think it was saving everybody else.

I haven't been here for a long time.

I haven't really wanted to be saved for a long time. I've just wanted to be left alone. I think this is the cause of my faithlessness. I don't really want to be saved and live eternally in an afterlife of absolute utopia...I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

No. This specific thing is not caused by depression, I promise you that. I've felt this way for a long time. Long before I ever knew what depression was, or felt it myself. I just...don't want to be eternally happy in an endless abyss of clouds...I want to close my eyes and sleep.

I feel like such an old soul. I just want my punishment of life to be up and to be left alone. Honestly, that's all. Because this life feels like punishment to me. All life does. It's not because it's particularly bad, it's just because I don't like it...I really...really...just want to rest. It's like it's all too bright...

I'm really sorry for saying these things...I know so many of you would kill for this brightness that I dislike...it's just that I feel like I need to rest. It's not an ungratefulness. It's just an infinite tiredness that I was born with. Most likely, some of you will understand this. Some of you will understand what I'm saying.

Nobody around me does. So I don't talk about it...I don't want therapy for it because it's not that kind of issue. It really isn't.

It's like the bickering of the world has just gotten infinitely old to me. Like it was old before I was born, because I have always been this way. I remember it from my earliest memories. I'm ready to leave, and be happy, and change worlds...never to come back to this place. This world is not my place. This world is not my home.

*shakes head* I can barely type right now. My home is not this world. It is people. Souls, and soul essence. My world is people. The feeling I get when I'm in the arms of somebody I love is indescribable...but that is a feeling that I don't ever have...so basically I am a person living in the middle of space with no world or place to belong.

I'm tired, old people. I'm tired.

Maybe I don't want to die completely...I just want to rest for awhile before I find my little utopia at the end of the world...

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world—a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flirts with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors." ~Virginia Woolf