Anyway, it freaked me out. It made me feel like I have absolutely no idea about what I want to do in my life, and I think I really don't. It made me seriously go and look into Psychology, and I've figured out something that I always knew about it (weird, huh?), and that is that I'll be spending another seven years in college for a Ph.D. that will only pay me—on average—$56,000 a year. I know. A lot of you are angry at me for saying "only $56,000," but please give me the benefit of the doubt. I want to be a strong woman who does what she loves, and by doing this degree in psychology it could possibly mean that I'm going to spend seven more years lonely so that I can get a college degree in one of the single most emotionally demanding jobs in the world, and on top of all that, the bachelors and masters degree that I need to get to make it to a Ph.D. don't pay livable wages. Would this make it so that I'm stuck at home till I'm 27? Lonely? Cynical? Heartbroken?
I really don't want to live through that. I just don't think it's worth it. I mean, what the hell?
I know it's not all about the money, but when I'm considering spending another SEVEN years of my life on a project, I want to know that it's going to provide compensation. I think that's normal and justifyable.
On another related tangent, right before I saw this video and freaked, I had submitted my application for transfer to the college for a Psychology Major, and my application essay was a huge emotional appeal as to why I wanted to be a psychologist. What does all this mean for me? It doesn't make sense. What the hell am I supposed to do?
I do not want to waste my life, but I also don't know how to live it.
I think the biggest problem in all of this turmoil is that I don't have a support group to lean on, or I think it's more that I don't know how to lean on anybody else. I'm also too old for people to tell me what to do anymore. The idea of spending seven years on this degree that I feel like I don't really want anymore makes me deathly afraid of how lonely those times will be. Masters degees and Ph.D.'s are lifesuckers, after all. How could I afford any form of relationships during that time? I just don't know.
ANYWAY, you're all probably wondering what the point of the title is with the way the rest of this post has gone, and that's that I'm letting myself rest.
I went to my first class today, and now I've stopped. I needed time alone—to actually think about myself and what's going on. Not to mention that I have a lot of crud due in a lot of classes and going to them would actually hinder me from actually doing and turning in the work. Isn't that horrible? That the classes that assign me this stuff take up the only time that I have to do it? Third world problems, ya got to love them. Yes, I know there are worse things in this world, but right now these are my problems. I will probably deal with worse one day, yes, but this is what I'm freaked out about at the moment.
I need help so badly. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
For this moment in my life, though, I am taking one little second of rest.
This has been,
A Little Lonely Wisdom From Someone,
A Little Lonely
"I have always argued that change becomes stressful and overwhelming only when you've lost any sense of the constancy in your life. You need firm ground to stand on. From there, you can deal with that change." ~Richard Nelson
"If we don't see a failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personality defect, we will imediately feel overwhelmed." ~Anthony Robbins
" I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day." ~Abraham Lincoln
...now back to work. >>insert exasperated face here<
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