Well, life has been really crazy lately...and by that I mean over the last couple of years, but I guess that's what happens when you grow up a little bit, isn't it? Truth be told, all of the craziness in my life for the past couple of years is exactly why I ended up having to create this blog—to help, in part, to keep my sanity, and also because all of this craziness tends to give me a lot of wisdom to share with the world.
Anyway, I don't recall mentioning this in this blog, but last year one of my uncles died, so my family and I had to deal with that grief, and going to that funeral...that wasn't too bad. I didn't know my uncle very well—I loved him solely because I knew he was part of my family, that, and whenever I did see him, he was always a nice guy. So, what all this comes down to is that my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital lately, and now she's there again. This time they're talking congestive heart failure.
I don't know what to do with myself. This woman was like my mother when I was a little girl, hell...I always felt like I loved her more than my own mother when I was little. You see, my own mother was never around, and neither was my dad. It wasn't their faults—they were always working; they had to, but this led to my grandmother practically raising me, and making the greatest impression on my young self out of all the people I knew in my life at that time. She was like my real mother. She still does feel like she's my real mother when I talk to her.
I don't want to lose her...but I'm starting to become extremely afraid that my time with her...moreover...her time with us in this world is limited...which they are. She is almost 95, after all.
It's hard when you think you're about to lose something more important to you than the world for, when you realize that you're about to lose something, all you want to do is keep yourself from losing that thing. Your prayers become selfish. Right now all I want is to be able to talk to my grandmother one more time and tell her "I love you" before she leaves this world. I told her every time I talked to her before, but it's been awhile, and I don't want to have any regrets. I don't know.
She was always the one person who would tell me to follow my dreams. My family never did that—my mom tried, but my dad wouldn't ever encourage anything that didn't ultimately lead to success with no doubt, and my dreams have never been things that would be undoubtedly successful.
My grandmother's love for me has always been unconditional. I wish she could be here with me for the rest of my life. She's the only person like that that I have left right now.
I'm not consigning her to the grave or anything by writing this post, but it's not looking good.
I love you grandma—we all love you. Please be able to stay with us for a little longer. All the money in the world couldn't make me want to lose your love.
Love,
the person behind A Little Lonely Wisdom
"You can't fill your cup until you empty all it has
You can't understand what lays ahead if
You don't understand the past
You'll never learn to fly now until you're
Standing at the cliff
And You Can't truly love until you've given up on it."
~"Satellite" by Rise Against
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