I've gone back to school after my three week break, and it's summer now. The birds are singing in the morning, and the days last till 8:00 p.m. People walk with a skip to their step and smiles on their faces. Little girls whirl happily in their summer bell dresses just to see them poof out around their legs, and the only thing that interrupts my afternoons is the sound of the church down the street ringing a happy tune at midday.
The music on the radio is peppier, the clothing brighter, and the smiles genuine. I love this time of year. There's just something about it. Even the darkest of hearts crack open a window and hope for something.
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| And I can look out my back door to see this. |
Anyway, it's been an odd week. A friend of mine had a breakdown and I went to stay overnight with her to keep her company in her sadness, my father went off on me for no reason, my mother has been going through phases of depression and über happiness, and I've been okay with everything going on. I'm handling it all well. That being the only reason this week wasn't particularly bad other than the fact that I had a great day on Saturday. I'm handling things well. That is so odd for me. I think it has to do with all the strifes I've been going through over the last few years.
Finally, they're paying off.
Aww, man. I just cracked myself up. "Strifes that are paying off." I said that like I purposely put myself through the loss of my personality, a bout with an alcoholic family member, psoriasis, parents constantly on the verge of divorce, endless work, and a broken heart mixed with a helping of "long-distance-relationship."
I'm feeling better because I'm letting myself feel better. I'm feeling better because I'm following my dreams. I'm feeling better because I'm listening to my passions, and, finally, I'm feeling better because I'm making sure that I'm doing what I want to do along with what I have to do.
At the same time I'm dealing with my old pains instead of letting them float in the muck of my mind, heart, and soul. Every time something comes back to haunt me I stab it with a knife or shoot it with a bullet. My mind likes to tell me how everything that went wrong in my past was my fault and that I need to regret it forever. It's one of my dragons that needs slaying. I haven't fought it for a long time, but (like I've said) recently I've been killing it. I've been taking hunks out of it. I am so tired of being haunted by my past. It would be a good thing for it to die, perhaps mourned a little bit, but definitely needs to be left cold and lifeless in an unmarked grave. I'll never forget what I've been through, but it's nice to say goodbye for it. And you, if you've read this blog at all, know that I believe "goodbye" is a thing said only when you mean never to come back.
I also believe that shit happens for a reason. I always knew that my ex came into my life for a reason, and I always knew he would never stay, but it took me months to figure out why. You wanna know what I discovered? It's that he taught me how to fight. It's not like he told me to, but he gave me something to fight for, so I indirectly learned the lesson from him. It was really God telling me to do something. It was God telling me to stop being such a pussyfoot, and it was God telling me to get off my ass and live because there's good shit out there mixed in with all the crap. I'm glad he did. Because now I can handle my current situations, which are all easy in my mind, but I can deal with them whilst that little girl so many months ago wouldn't have dealt with anything at all.
You've got to deal with things. When you leave stuff undone, that stuff will come back to haunt you. I know that well. I definitely know that well.
Stuff comes into your life for a reason. Live through the circumstances bravely and fight your dragons. Just don't forget to slay them.
~A Little Lonely Wisdom
"The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you." ~Leo F. Buscaglia
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