A Little Lonely Rambling

There's something positively wonderful about the time of month for us women when all the hormones flush out of our bodies and things...finally seem "right." It's been a hard, lonely, crazy week for me since I last posted. I heard my ex's voice for the first time in six months. I've been denying it to myself all this time, but I do still love him. I will always love him. Every boy that I ever love: I will always love them. Until the day I die. I've finally accepted that about myself.

I still don't know what the Lord or the world intends for us two. What it ever intended for us two, but I know I miss him. The sound of his voice, the feeling of his touch, his laughter, and his genuine love for me. I miss it greatly. I really need somebody to replace that now, or I'll end up loving that boy for the rest of my life and pining hopelessly after him.

I guess it's so hard simply because my heart craves those feelings so badly. To give me that kind of love and companionship is to set ripples to a pool that is always still otherwise. So still that a mirror would be jealous of the reflections it puts forth. I prefer the slow, rippling, tides of love. It refreshes the pond so that the water doesn't go stagnant from too much vanity and the poison of a broken heart.

I suppose I put love on a pedestal because of how I've lacked it in my life. Friends are few and far between, and those I rarely trust. My family is full of self-serving egotistical people. Albeit, my dad is a good person...everybody else is questionable, and mostly the world has just managed to disappoint me in the realm of trust and love. I don't get it. How you trust somebody. I don't think I've ever trusted anybody. No. I think I did when I was a very little girl, but ever since I got my trust crossed for the first time, I haven't been able to give it fully ever since. I had started to give it to my ex, though, and that's why it hurt so bad when I lost him.

Anyway. You know you're in a bad world when you feel like you can't even tell your mother anything for fear of judgment. That brings me to my topic of the last week or two: shit comes in threes. The first was talking to my ex, the second was that my best friend got herself pregnant (of course not on purpose—at least we all hope not—but still), and my mother has been treating everyone in the family like dogs. Like she always does.


She needs therapy. All the shit she's gone through...she really needs therapy. I don't even want to talk to her anymore. Yesterday she pissed me off so badly and made me so disappointed in her as a human being that I was seriously considering disowning her as a mother.


I've always had trouble with that woman. I remember being a little girl and not wanting to be related to her, and being thankful that she wasn't given more children to destroy like she tries to do me—they probably wouldn't be as strong as I am. They probably would've let her destroy them. She's a life-sucking bitch, that woman. She destroys everything good that ever comes to her. She's still my mother, and I have to love her, but if I had the choice of whether or not I'd been born unto her, I would've chosen somebody else. For both myself and my father. That man doesn't in any way deserve the way she treats us.


She is horrible, but people only know that if they live with her. She's got everybody else bamboozled. I absolutely despise that.


And there's a little bit of wisdom for you all today: just because somebody's nice to you doesn't mean they aren't insane, cruel, and horrible to be around behind closed doors. It doesn't mean they're not fucked up beyond belief. If somebody tells you somebody's a bad person, they're probably not lying. Believe them and help get them out of that situation if you can...they probably want out but don't have the courage to ask for a helping hand.


I know if somebody gave me a helping hand out of this situation I'd take it. I'm tired of the way she treats us. Disgusted by it. I'm disgusted by her racism, her prejudice, her "my-shit-doesn't-stink" stance, her condescending voice, and her endless crying fits and glorified hallucinations over stuff that happened to her twenty years ago.


I'll tell you, people. One of my biggest damned pet peeves is someone who begrudges you with shit that happened fifteen years ago to win a fight. Because of my mother, I will never allow anybody to do that to me again. I'm done with it. Absolutely done. If you're my friend and you do that to me, I will stop talking to you immediately and you will have lost all my trust until I receive an "on-bended-knee" apology from you. No exceptions.


Shit from the past is not relevant today. You learn from it and you fucking move on. End of bloody story.


Sorry. /End rant. You can tell I don't get along with my mother very well anymore.


To her I'm not good for anything unless I'm doing something she wants me to do or having sex to produce grandchildren for her. Hahaha. Funny. You thought I was kidding.


Anyway, enough of that. I've ranted long enough about the shit that's been going down this week. Suffice it to say that I'm ecstatic to know that my "three" is up. Things can't get all that much worse now, and at least now I know what I'm handling for the time being.


If I know what I'm handling, everything is alright.


That's enough for today, I think. >insert laugh here< I hope you liked my little ramblings. ;)


This Has Been,
~A Little Lonely Rambling


"You must feel what you're saying, not just have a good presentation of the language." ~Cecilia Bartoli