A Little Lonely Fun

I'm going to post this here for a bit of fun, since I need that these days. This is one of those internet "tags" where you're asked to answer a bunch of questions so people can learn more about you, and you can learn more about yourself. I found this on one of my favorite art websites in the journal of an artist. I hope you get some shits and giggles out of this, too. >insert smile here< Please feel free to do this tag yourself, if you like it.


1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

I would be around 25 years old. I've always felt that age. It just seems like a good place to be in life—you're probably on your own, you probably know who you are, and you're probably independent. It sounds like good shit to me. I've also never felt "young" per se, but also never old. It's a good in between to me.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

How about "failing because you never tried"?

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don't like and like so many things we don't do?

Because most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy. 

4. When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

I sure hope not. I talk a lot, but I can usually back up what I've said with what I've done.

5. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?

I wish that everyone could find love, keep love, and appreciate love. Idealistic, I know, but I feel that this world doesn't run on coffee, and it doesn't run on money, it runs on the love we have for each other, and we are severely lacking in that right now.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Therapy. I'm going into psychiatry to help make people happier. Totally my reason. That, and writing.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I am doing what it takes to no longer have to settle. Sometimes you have to settle for what you're doing/have, to get where you want to be.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I wouldn't be so afraid to devote my life to finding the right person. It wouldn't feel like such a waste of time, then.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I used to control every second of it, but now I just try and let it flow. Controlling your life just isn't going to happen, but you can control how you deal with what course you're given, and you CAN change your course if you're on the wrong one.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

This is a toughie, but I'd rather do the right things, than do what people think is right.

11. You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

Hmmmm. I want to say I wouldn't do anything because I can tend to be shy, but I do know myself, and I don't put up with this kind of shit. I would tell them they're wrong and need to get they're facts straight before they start demeaning themselves by judging others.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

To thy own self and heart, be true.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

From death? Yeah.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes. My best friend is insane, but as we've grown together, I see her creative side. There are also several artists like Salvador Dali, Picasso, Monet...I thought they were insane, but I love them now.

15. What's something you know you do differently than most people?

I absolutely know I think differently, and I love differently. I love based on personality, and am not attracted to a person until they show me their inner beauty and prove it's there to stay. I have friends from every background, and every race, and love them all equally. I never thought to do otherwise.

16. How come the things that make you happy don't make everyone happy?

Because the things that make me happy are things I've fought for, and they don't understand the beauty in the simple things I love.

17. What's one thing you have not done that you really want to do?  What's holding you back?

Can I pwease have two? Haha. Travelling to a different country, and I've not done that because I'm afraid I don't know how to physically and emotionally protect myself yet. I need a little more time and experience before I'd trust myself to live alone in a different culture. And gotten a job. I'm afraid of the failure.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

The childhood I never wanted, or was ever given, until it was too late.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

I would move to Virginia if it were in the U.S. because I have extremely fond memories of that gorgeous state, and if I moved to a different country, it would be England to begin with because I'm fascinated with the culture.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No. Not since I figured out that it's basically a placebo button. Fun fact for you all: the close door button does absolutely freaking nothing. It's just there to make you feel like you're doing something while the door close timer ticks down.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I am a worried genius and it sucks. Ignorance is bliss, honey.

22. Why are you, you?

Because I suck at being anyone else. Haha, um, a more detailed answer is that I've been raised by some wonderful people.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

No one's perfect, and I'm not going to claim to be. I have, at times, been the best friend you will ever meet, but there are times I would punch myself if I did what I've done to others to myself. I do think the good outweighs the bad, now, though.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Losing touch with a friend who is right there. There isn't an excuse in the world for that shit.

25. What are you most grateful for?

I am grateful for my heart aches, and I am grateful for my family. I've had so many of the former, but little of the latter.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I would lose all of my old memories. I live too much in the past sometimes, anyway. New beginnings are always good things.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yes. I find that challenging the truth just makes you realize you should've believed it anyway.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Well, my silly ones, no. AKA, being covered in worms and/or snakes has never come true, but my real fear has come true. I have lost everything that I've loved several times over, but that's okay. You just love the next thing even more.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Well, I do remember the girl that really upset me five years ago, and no it doesn't matter, but she was a bitch, and I never want to see her again. I also remember being extremely upset over my parents beginning to really fight. Yes. That does matter, because it's just gotten worse.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

I will always tell you that it was sitting in my grandmother's lap, in her garage, and watching the rain pour down from the heavens while we waited for a rainbow to appear, and let me tell you, honey. There was almost always a rainbow. I love that woman, and I will till the day I die. I will give my children this memory, as well, and I will always love rain.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

When I was in love with my first boyfriend. I'm always more passionate when I'm in love with some one, and I'm always happier. I just love to be a part of someone, although I can live on my own.

32. If you haven't achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

My sanity.

33. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Uhhhhhhh, no. I haven't been lucky like that, yet. I've been with someone, said nothing, and felt like my heart was ripped into a million pieces, though. I don't think that one counts.

34. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because the people therein don't believe what they preach, and the people who are against the religions who preach love don't want them to exist.

35. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

There is a little evil in everything good, and a little good in everything evil, but you can usually tell what the majority vote is within the thing/person.

36. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

No. A million dollars isn't enough money to quit a good paying job. I would quit a shit job while I found a better one, though.

37. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Work that I enjoy doing. I like to spend my time doing what I enjoy. Work you enjoy isn't really work, after all.

38. Do you feel like you've lived this day a hundred times before?

Today? Not really. It's the day before Thanksgiving, so it's more joyful than most. I listened to Christmas music and cooked. That doesn't happen often.

39. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

The last time I fell in love. I learned a lot, and I'm glad for it.

40. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

My best friends, my parents, and my grandmother. I would find a freaking way.

41. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Um...no. >laughing hysterically<

42. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

This should be "what's the difference between living and existing." The difference is not wasting your time when you know what you should be doing.

43. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When you realize you've calculated the risks more times than there are possible outcomes, and that we are actually horrible predictors of our own loves.

44. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because mistakes aren't usually happy, no matter what Bob Ross says.

45. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I would never be afraid to dress the way I want, speak the way I want, and do what I want.

46. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Yesterday when I first read this tag.

47. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love reading, I love writing, I love driving, I love smiling, laughing, and love itself. And yes, many of them do.  I am writing now, I read earlier, I drove a couple of hours ago, and I've been laughing at my movies. Still waiting to love, though.

48. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Yesterday...no. And I'll have a general idea bout all of them, but they won't be specific memories.

49. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I am, surprisingly, making my own decisions. Always have.

I liked that last question. Make your own decisions, loves.

This Has Been,

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Let's Talk.

So that last post was really dark. I could go and delete it...easily, but I won't. I swore to myself a long time ago in one of my diaries that the pages I ripped out and destroyed would be the last pages of my life that I ever let myself ignore. That, and I want you few people who will ever read this blog to see me in complete, and total, honesty.

You deserve that...because I don't really think I can give it to many people in my life anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not here to tell you that the post is going to go away...I think I made that clear in my last paragraph, but what I want to make crystal clear right now is that the problems that caused it are not going to go away any time soon. They are still here. I won't be killing myself—I highly doubt that. I do love myself on a deep inner level far too much for such things...but I do not, indeed, like myself at this given moment.

Everything is just going absolutely wrong. Well...it isn't like I haven't been asking for it, you know?

I've basically holed myself up in my room for the last year, trying to keep myself away from all of my past tragedies—and, while I've succeeded, I have made myself infinitely alone and scared of absolutely everything.


Let's make a list of the things that have happened in my life over the last year, this being a year from November to November.

• I had my first boyfriend, he was long distance, he dumped me...or I dumped him. Let's say we dumped each other.
• Said boyfriend harassed me for almost a year after our relationship ended. He told me about all the girls he was replacing me with, and the person he lost his virginity to. I changed my cell phone number—the cell phone number I'd had for six years.
• I made a couple of horrible friends that made me feel horrible about myself for awhile.
• Because of these horrible friends, and the people in my past, I have ignored all of my good friends, who just want to love me. I do regret this the most.
• My uncle died of lung cancer.
• My mother told me that all the people I thought were good, and loving, were actually cheating assholes who had no right to be looked up to, so I lost my role models.
• My grandmother went into the hospital—the one woman who has kept me sane through my hell hole of a childhood, and kept me from being selfish, and unlovable—and my mother consistently told me how she thought she was going to die. She is 94, and she will die soon, so this was unhelpful.
• My best friend got herself pregnant, by a guy she knew for two months before getting pregnant. She told me about seeing people murdered, and proceeded to tell me about how she was gang raped. Because of her lying tendencies, I don't know what to believe. I feel absolutely HORRIBLE for not believing her, but what the hell am I supposed to do?
• My parents have been having fights that all point to divorce at least once in each of the last months.
• I don't trust myself to date anymore because of how much of a horrible person I feel like. But, baby, I am so lonely. There's a reason why this blog is called "A Little Lonely Wisdom."

I don't feel very good at all, right now. Not about myself, not about my actions, and I don't have the ability to love anyone in my life at the moment. I suppose I do, but I'm not a fan of how I can't seem to hang out with a group of people...I always seem to run everyone away except for one person who I cling to like life itself. I hate myself for that. You can't even believe it.

I dunno. Thinking about it, does that make me a bad person, or does that make me loving and loyal? I can't really decide. I don't think I should hate myself for it, but I guess it's something I need to improve upon.

In light of the last couple of my posts being sad and uninspiring, I again want to remind you all that I'm not here for pity, and I'm not really here for advice. I'm just here to tell you about my mistakes, make myself feel better, and help you all learn a little bit about life, because I do have a lot to teach you.

I am, however, only human, and this has been a very bad year for me. What I tell you all about life, and my life in general, will not always be happy, but I will always be okay.

I'll choose another topic soon, probably one of the bullets I posted earlier, and write more on it, but, for now, I am done talking.

Goodnight.

~A Little Lonely Wisdom

"It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for someone you are not." ~Andre Gide

Lost

Have you ever hated yourself so much, and your own life, so much that you wanted to die and leave it all behind? Have you ever been so angry with yourself or another person that you want to destroy everything you've ever created for yourself?

I've felt that way today.

I was so absolutely angry that I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted not only to leave this world, but to destroy everything that was ever mine so that nobody would ever remember I was here.

All of my artwork...I wanted to burn it. To rip it apart and burn it. My knitted scarves...I wanted to pull them apart by their tails. My mirrors—I wanted to smash them all.


I can't stand my face. I can't stand myself. I can't stand my family anymore.


There's not anything left in this world that I want. There's absolutely nothing.


I don't believe in myself.


I don't believe in hope.


I don't believe in love.


I don't believe in my ability to love anyone.


I don't believe in life.


It all feels like a hopeless crock to me.


I don't believe in you, or anybody else anymore.


Just leave me alone now.


Just leave me alone.


I am lost.


Absolutely lost.