Stories of a Long Distance Relationship and a Seemingly Endless Heartbreak

"And when she's gone, remember, you once loved her, you once needed her, you once cared about her more than anything in the world. You can't deny she was ever there, you can't deny what you had. You can't deny that it ended over absolutely nothing. You can't deny, that regardless, you still think about it. No other girl could love you the way she did. One day you'll realize what you've done; you'll come back and she'll be gone."

I found this quote today. It has absolutely no author that I can find, but whoever is responsible for it...they touched a place in my heart. A place of both jealousy and heartbreak. That girl that loved the boy who'll come to the realization one day was me. He'll never read this. He'll never know about this, but that's okay. Lord knows that, if he's at all like me, he feels the same way. Feels that, even though it's been over six months, his heart is still broken in two and shattered. Still feels lonely. Still feels like he gave up the only thing in the world that he ever loved more than the land he walked on. In all truth, he's probably completely moved on by now, and I'll never know. It's probably just me sitting here tonight wondering about him. Wondering if I lost the only man in the world that I'll ever even consider as a soul mate. Be it. He was still a boy. And I am still a very little girl. But, you know: The first heartbreak is always the worst. Well, that's not true. Any heartbreak you experience in your entire life could be the worst one you ever had. As long as you love them enough...it'll hurt like a flaming bitch from Hell.

When we broke up, I felt like it was for absolutely nothing. I truly did, and I truly do.

Let's talk about it a little bit, shall we? It'll be a little healing for me, and perhaps a little healing for you, or anybody that reads this some day.

I am the epitome of both viewpoints in that quote. I'm the one lost, and I am also the loser, because I loved this boy more than my words can portray to you. There you go, my disclaimer.

That relationship...it was always long distance. We met online as so many people these days do. We talked for a little while. We talked a lot. We discovered that we were everything the other person was missing, like two halves of a coin somehow miraculously sawed in half and lost at two points 600 miles away from each other. He was my intelligent, shy, nerd with the voice of an angel and a mind tormented by his own brilliance. I'm not completely sure what I was to him...but I know I was his woman with a beautiful laugh, a smile that melted his bones, and a mind that was almost, if not crazier, than his own. He was the guy that called you beautiful instead of hot, and looked at you like the stars were less majestic than a day spent in your arms. He was the one that held your hand and couldn't believe it belonged to someone he loved and who truly returned his feelings.

We were together for a hair less than five months. I know, you don't have to tell me that that was almost nothing in the face of the world, long-term relationships, and eternity. But sometimes you can't help what you feel for somebody. Sometimes you can't help how hard you fall.

That boy broke through my heart's defenses. I don't know how he did it, or when, or why, but I loved him almost from the beginning. He loved me too. Just as much. We were happy with each other almost every day. Of course we had our bad times, and eventually we started to withdraw from each other (as often happens when you find something like we had), but for awhile we were everything. We just...loved each other so much that it scared us to death, and was eventually the end of our relationship. Well, part of it.

Now, let's talk about what happened. What ended us. What I think was absolutely nothing, what I always will think was absolutely nothing.

When I went to visit him, everything went badly. Things went very badly. I can't emphasize that enough. I need to put that warning there, for anybody who ends up here looking for advice on long distance relationships. When you meet them. It will not be the same. Whether it goes well, or whether it goes badly, it will be very different to have them hold you and touch you in person. To see their face, their actions, the second it happens. It will be very different...trying to talk to them directly instead of over the phone. Very. Very different. Oddly enough, this wasn't what ended it...not completely, anyway.

While we were together we both had the issue of telling our parents, and family, and friends about our lovers that were 600 miles away from us that we somehow loved more than anybody else in the world. I did it. I told everybody, even my father who scared the living Hell out of me, and still does. I had to tell them, or I couldn't have gone and seen him there in the end. He, on the other hand, would tell nobody anything. I was put in a bad position. A very bad position indeed.

At the end of that five month period, I went to see him, and he was ecstatic about it. I had to take my parents with me, because...well...you don't go and see somebody you've met over the internet without having somebody in the background with a machete and a handgun just in case they turn out to truly be a serial murderer. >insert laugh<

Anyway, I'd told him about fifty times that he should tell his folks about me, but he never would. He would always say: "I'll tell them after we meet and it goes well." Bullshit, baby. Bullshit.

When we'd driven our way up to his state, my father found out from a slip of my mother's tongue that the boy hadn't told his parents about me. He flipped a bitch...several bitches, really. I spent four plus hours convincing my father not to kill my mother and me for lying about it. I figured, what he didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. The boy was going to tell his family soon enough, anyway, and if he wouldn't I'd just dump his ass. Well, then he called me in the middle of my father trying not to kill us. I told him: "honey, my father is extremely unhappy about the fact that you won't tell your family about me." Beginning of the end, right there. He gave me the usual: that he'd tell them afterwards, and I replied: "well, I don't know if I'm going to be able to see you now, but hopefully it'll all be okay." I told him I'd see him in the morning, and that I loved him.

My family and I went back to the hotel we were staying in after we'd eaten dinner, and argued for a few hours before he texted me again and told me that he'd told his family about me. I was very happy about this, and I told my family the good news. Then I found out that what he'd told his family was a lie. That I was actually from the state he lived in, except I had decided to go out of state for college. And that was the end of me. Even when telling his family the truth, he couldn't tell his family the truth. Was he really so afraid of them that he couldn't tell them about me? The only girl that had ever been good to him and loved him the way I did? The only one in the world who would never have broken his heart if he'd have just worked with me and stopped pitying himself? "I fought for this ass." That's all I could think, then.

When morning came round, my family and I went to meet him in his favorite restaurant. No, I didn't tell them that he'd lied. I wanted to see this boy, who'd been the object of my love, respect, and affection for the last four and a half months.

We pulled into the parking lot and parked the car. I grabbed my purse and stepped out of the passenger side door, and when I walked around to the other side of the car...there he was. In all his glory. I thought he was beautiful, and I'm not a fainting girl, but that day I almost fainted where I stood when I saw him looking at me from across the lot. I stopped for a second, swayed a little, and then ran into his arms the way he'd always told me he wanted me to if we ever finally saw each other in person. He hugged me tight and lifted me off my feet, then swung me around a little bit, happily. I remember that it felt right, and weird. I remember that he smelled good, and I was happy about that because of my belief in the whole pheromone business.

Then we went into the restaurant and ate breakfast, and talked a little. He mostly talked to my family because I was nervous. I interjected as I saw fit. Held his hand underneath the table. Then at the end my mother walked away and my dad told him "to protect me with his life." Several times. Vigorously, and loudly, as it is my dad's way. Of course this freaked the boy out after having told his parents about me, despite that being a lie, too.

We left after paying and walked to his car. He had his hands in his pockets and wouldn't touch me. We got in to drive where? Immediately to his parents house. All the time we talked a little, not much. Both of us being silent and scared off our asses. Him thinking lord knows what. We got to his driveway and he surprised me with a kiss. I gaped at him, when really...I should have just kissed him back. I was surprised. I can't really explain myself more than that. Nor do I wish to. Then we walked into his house, which was very nice, and beautiful. I met his parents, whom I couldn't say anything to because I didn't know exactly what lies he'd told them about me. I couldn't talk about my beautiful home, or about how much I loved their son, or about how crazy the situation was and why I didn't bloody care anyways. All I could do was be silent and hope they didn't think I was batshit crazy.

Because of his lies he couldn't hold me or touch me while they were around. We went downstairs and I looked around awkwardly for a couple of seconds before he pulled me to sit next to him while he played video games for a couple of minutes trying to calm down. All the time I just wanted to hold him and love him. After all, I only had two days with him.

He finally pulled me to lie next to him on the couch for a little while, and I was...home...is there any other way to put it? Not really. And then his mum came downstairs and he tossed me off of him and to the other side of the couch like I didn't mean anything to him at all. Like he'd just committed a sin of epic proportions.

We spent the rest of the day going around meeting all of his friends. I was okay with that...but I thought I was going to get to see him more than that. That I was going to get to spend all day with him...alone, and happy. Now, if you know me, you know that I don't like to be thrown into groups of people I don't know. Then you put me in a state I've been to once, with an angry family, and a boyfriend who just keeps lying about me? Who wouldn't hold my hand in front of his friends or kiss me when anybody else was looking? You've not got a very happy girl. Not at all. And you've got a girl that's scared as Hell to do anything or be herself. Who's being more silent than death itself because of all the things you've just put her through in a day.

Despite all of this, during the time he was holding me and loving me, I was very happy. I just couldn't get myself to say anything. He was still everything I loved...but he'd hurt me. It wasn't anything I couldn't get over. No. That wasn't until we got back to his place late at night, we went back downstairs, and he was kissing me...I realized: I hadn't told him "I love you" the entire time I'd been there. I was too worried about everything else. So, I told him. I told him, "I love you."

He looked at me for a few seconds, and then somewhat grudgingly replied that he, "loved me too. But...Baby...I can't do this."

What?

My heart shattered. He pushed me a little away from him and I put my cardigan back on. He'd just told me he didn't want me. After all I'd done for him...he didn't want me. Sure. It didn't go that well that day...but we could've worked it out. Of course it was going to be different and scary and not everything was going to go well...but he told me he couldn't be with me.

I asked him why...and he told me, "because...I don't...it's because...I'm afraid we'll end up hurting each other. And I'm afraid that I haven't gone out and been a college boy enough...done enough crazy things." He told me, in layman's terms: "I haven't screwed enough things, so I don't know if I'll be happy with you in the long run." I do know, that this was him trying to save me heartbreak, that really...he was just afraid of everything that happened, that he was still struggling with his self-deprecating ways and his internal self-loathing that I'd done a great deal to heal...I knew it was still there, and that's why. But, for the life of me. I couldn't fix it.

I couldn't fix it.

.

.

.

I couldn't fix it.

.

.

I just. Couldn't. Fix. It.

He spent the rest of the night after this kissing me and saying that he loved me so much....and that he wished he didn't have to leave me, but hey, "water and fire were never meant to mix." (That was one of our little things. He embodied the rolling, cold, waves of the ocean, and I was like the fiery rays of light radiating from the sun) I told him, "no, baby. Fire and water...they just make steam." He replied that I always knew the right things to say to him.

After that, we went out for ice cream in the middle of the night with his little sister, whom we gave advice to because she was getting herself into a long distance relationship with a boy from England. I told her not to do it, and he told her that it was "different." I hope she didn't do it. Still, to this day, I hope. It probably would end up killing her eventually. We were 600 miles away from each other. That was 5,000.

He took me back to the hotel, and we said our goodnights. The next morning he came and sat with me in the hotel's breakfast room. We didn't talk much. I asked him if he still wanted to leave me, and he told me that he couldn't see himself with anybody else. We kissed, and we loved each other thoroughly there for a couple of hours. The way it should have been the entire time. And then he left me at four o'clock to go home. He told me later that he spent the whole time crying afterwards. As did I.

When we were at the door saying goodbye for the last time, I told him "goodbye," which is a thing I've been taught you only say when you know you'll never, ever, see a person again. He kissed me lovingly and told me,  "I won't see you...and I won't see this beautiful soul again for a really long time, will I?" I just smiled, held him for a second, and then let him go so that I could watch him disappear outside. I turned around for a second, then looked back, and he was gone.

My family and I drove home after that. Of course, I was devastated. We didn't talk for a few days. He would send me a text every once in awhile even though I'd told him to leave me alone for a little while. Eventually (about a week after I'd gotten home) we finally talked a little bit.

I don't particularly remember what he said because of the state of mind I was in at that time, but I knew he was beating around the bush. He loved me, and thought it was best to break up with me, but he didn't want to leave me either. So I left him.

I left him.

And I've refused to talk to him since. He's said a couple of things to me, but never would say anything regarding that time. Never had the courage to bring any of it up.

I wanted him back so desperately...God. I still love him. I wanted him back so desperately that I would've done or said anything to have him that way again. But I never did. I didn't want to come off as needy...as...I don't know...just...anything...I was afraid of everything.

I was afraid he'd tell me to go away again if I told him I still loved him. That I really didn't want to leave him, but at the time I felt and thought that he wasn't giving me any other choice.

If all he'd done was fight for me a little bit...told his parents about me...told me that, "God, I love you. Please. Come back to me. I love you." And looked at me with his gorgeous sad eyes and spoke to me in his beautiful voice...I would've gone back to him instantly.

I still would go back to him. Not instantly, no. But I would go back to him very happily just to escape this heartache. I thought he was my soul mate...we had a conversation once where he summarily described the wedding ring I'd been dreaming about for the last three years...and I hadn't told him anything about it or even mentioned wanting to marry him one day. No. That was all him. Then he left me.

Despite it all. I'm still okay. Writing this in itself has helped me a lot. I needed my heart healed this way, and I glued a few pieces back together tonight, because now somebody knows almost the whole story. It makes me feel better.

Nobody ever told me love would be this hard...and long distance relationships make you understand a lot of things. Like: why people cheat, and the meaning of the words, "distance makes the heart grow fonder." But, most of all, it shows you how to love with all of your heart without any other expectations. It shows you how to live with fear and overcome it. It teaches you many good life lessons. But despite all these lessons, I would tell you: don't go into a long distance relationship unless you have to. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do, and it only sometimes works out, and by sometimes, I mean: very rarely.

With all that said, I'll add this quote: "I'm not going to stress over you anymore—it isn't worth it. I tried to work something out, but you just ignored it. I'm not trying to say I don't want you, because I definitely do. All I'm saying is that I'm done chasing after you."

I think that goes for both of us, baby doll. I hope that you're happy, no matter the way you turned out after all of this. I still love you, I always will, and I'm still sure that you love me too. But it's time now, I'll have to be happy now.

I sincerely hope this has helped somebody. I hope it's helped somebody either to be healed, or to move on, or given somebody a little perspective on a situation. What happened to me, and us, was far from ideal, but I will never regret loving him. He taught my sad heart how to love, and took the walls down for somebody else, because I can't help but thinking there's somebody else out there for me that'll teach me how to love all over again and will make me forget his very name.

If not: I hope he comes back to me before it's too late. Good luck, baby doll. Make somebody love you as much as I did, and don't forget not to lie about them.

This has been,

~A Little Bit of Lonely Wisdom


"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." ~A.A. Milne (From a boy to his bear)


I'll always love you, but you've proven to me that I will love somebody else more.